#Sex File

Sign in

Shot of a young couple laying in bed at home

#Sex File

Need some advice on intimacy? Send your queries to suzigodson@mac.com

A COMPREHENSIVE SERIES OF ARTICLES ON THIS TOPIC

<p>Suzi Godson: "We now have a better idea of how long it takes for testosterone levels to recover in new fathers." Picture: iStock </p>

advice

Sex File: Becoming a dad has killed my libido — I can't talk to my friends about it

Most people are aware that having a baby causes significant hormonal shifts in women, but over the past 25 years, research has explored how parenthood affects men's hormones

<p>Perhaps you felt anxious sharing the fact that you masturbate, but statistically it would be much more unusual if you didn't: in a 2018 global survey of 13,000 men and women, 92% of men and 78% of women said that they engaged in solo sex.</p>

advice

Sex File: My orgasms are better without him

<p>If, over time, you had accepted his loss of libido, now you are suddenly having to adapt to a completely different situation. Prior to him getting tested, you couldn't have known why he stopped wanting sex and that must have had an emotional impact on you. Even when you know you are loved, not feeling desired has a negative effect on self-esteem.</p>

advice

Sex File: I'm struggling to keep pace with his sex drive

Sometimes the loneliest people are those in relationships

advice

Sex File: Our spark has fizzled out in a year

They know what makes each other feel good

advice

Sex File: How do I tell him he's a bad kisser?

Couple Lying On Bed At Home

advice

Sex File: Our sessions go on for too long and I stop enjoying it — is there a solution?

Couple reading a guide in a hotel room

Sex File: My husband is talking dirty but it's not working... how do I tell him?

His style — basically just narrating what he's doing as he's doing it — pulls me out of the moment and turns me off

Mon, 11 Aug, 2025

Sex File: I feel uninterested in sex — might it drive a wedge between us?

Sex File: I feel uninterested in sex — might it drive a wedge between us?

I enjoy sex but I'm far more interested in other things, which I know frustrates my husband (although he has never complained)

Mon, 04 Aug, 2025

I do not like when he does that

Sex File: I'm happy in my new relationship, why am I thinking about my ex?

It's ironic that trying not to think about something or someone almost guarantees that you will do precisely the opposite

Mon, 28 Jul, 2025

Grey-haired man and a blonde woman lying on the bed and looking at each other

Sex File: My partner’s kinky sexual fantasies are turning me off

"The simplest explanation for the change in your partner's behaviour... is that he now needs stronger stimuli to achieve the same level of arousal and is using sexual fantasy to increase excitement."

Mon, 21 Jul, 2025

Annoyed couple sitting on different sides of bed

Sex File: What should I do about my husband's lost sex drive?

Low libido can affect both men and women, and diabetic neuropathy, a type of nerve damage, can cause erectile dysfunction in men.

Mon, 14 Jul, 2025

Unhappy young couple in bed

Sex File: My libido has vanished since having a baby

"It's an overwhelming time and your lack of desire is not at all unusual. It might be an idea to talk to a GP about how you are feeling in general, but I suspect that all you need is more support and more time to yourself."

Mon, 07 Jul, 2025

Couple Lying On Bed At Home

Sex File: He won't try new things in bed

"You feel that you are trying to pull your sexual relationship in a new and potentially exciting direction, and rather than giving it a try, he is digging his heels in. I'm not judging, but I think his reaction is fairly predictable."

Mon, 30 Jun, 2025

Three Girlfriends Chatting Happily While Sitting On The Couch At Home.

Sex File: I am jealous of my divorced friends' new sex lives

I don't want to leave my marriage, so why is seeing them so satisfied with their sex lives making me question the strength of mine?

Mon, 23 Jun, 2025

Happy young couple in bed

Sex File: We have great chemistry, so why can't I orgasm?

"Mental distraction, otherwise known as "spectatoring", is a classic sign that you are anxious. If it is any consolation, this is really common."

Mon, 16 Jun, 2025

Young couple talking on their bed in the morning

Sex File: We've only slept with each other — have we missed out on better sex?

Most couples who have been together twenty-something years and raised a family experience some decline in sexual frequency and excitement

Mon, 26 May, 2025

I can't just sleep our problems away like he does

Sex File: Will our passion fade if he leaves his wife and we become a real couple?

Looking backwards will always be an incredibly effective way of avoiding facing the future - but your lover now wants a future with you and you are scared about what would happen if you became a "real" couple

Mon, 19 May, 2025

Depressed woman after a fight with her boyfriend in bedroom.

Sex File: He doesn't kiss me properly anymore — how can we resolve this?

Kissing is greatly underrated but there has been a lot of research into it.

Mon, 12 May, 2025

Nothing enriches life like love

Sex File: Why is our sex more passionate in our long-distance relationship?

My partner and I have been together for three years but for the past six months we have been in a long-distance relationship due to work, only seeing each other at weekends.

Mon, 05 May, 2025

Man and woman lying in white linen bed

Sex File: I fantasise that other women fancy him but have no desire for an open marriage

You both acknowledge that you have fleeting crushes on other people and maybe these fantasies are your way of exploring what might happen if one of these was reciprocated

Mon, 28 Apr, 2025

Portrait of a mature couple lying in bed

Sex File: How can we spice up the empty nest?

We have felt strangely shy around each other in the silence left behind.

Mon, 21 Apr, 2025

Worried Woman In Bed

Sex File: My new partner says we're sexually incompatible — what should I do?

Sexual incompatibility is not easy to define. It can describe anything from a lack of chemistry to poor technique, but it usually includes poor communication and an absence of intimacy

Mon, 14 Apr, 2025

Annoyed woman suffering because of the bad breath of her husband in bed

Sex File: His morning breath is a turn-off — how do I ask him to clean his teeth?

You do need to talk to your partner about his morning breath but you definitely should not do it when you are just about to have sex

Mon, 07 Apr, 2025

Girl worries about her marriage

Sex File: I keep getting crushes on random men who aren't my husband

You'll find floods of perimenopausal women anonymously discussing their sudden and inexplicable attraction to a neighbour or a random work colleague

Mon, 31 Mar, 2025

Businessman explaining his new plan to his partner.

Sex File: I miss the secrecy of our early relationship

As you rightly point out, there are certain upsides to secrecy.

Mon, 24 Mar, 2025

Couple quarreling due to jealousy in relationship at home, young couple with relationship problem appear depressed and frustrate

Sex File: He doesn't like me being vocal in bed

Learning how to accommodate differences is a central challenge in any relationship

Mon, 17 Mar, 2025

Couple in quarrel

Sex File: Why has he stopped initiating in bed?

"This is such a common problem that if you stick your question into ChatGPT you'll get a perfectly reasonable response compiled from the musings of millions of agony aunts and uncles around the globe, all desperately trying to eke out a 700-word response."

Mon, 10 Mar, 2025

Mentally man is far away from here

Sex File: How do we get back on track in bed after her affair?

"Infidelity is often motivated by underlying problems in a marriage, but the "relationship-deficit" model doesn't solely explain it. Some people use affairs as a way of boosting their self-esteem or exploring sex in a way they don't feel able to in the marriage."

Mon, 03 Mar, 2025

Sad lovers after quarrel ignoring avoiding sex in bed, frustrated man and woman not talking feeling offended or stubborn, unhap

Sex File: Should we build anticipation with a sex schedule or a ban?

"Scheduling sex can create a sense of obligation, which for some people doesn't always feel particularly sexy. On the plus side, it does mean that you actually do have sex."

Mon, 24 Feb, 2025

Loving mature couple lying in bed

Sex File: I’ve never reached orgasm with a partner

The man you are in a relationship with has not had the benefit of a lifelong sexual relationship with your body, so has a lot to learn.

Mon, 17 Feb, 2025

Upset woman thinking about relationship problems and lover indifference

Sex File: I don't want to share a bedroom with my new partner

I've been happily single for some time — should I compromise?

Mon, 10 Feb, 2025

Frustated mature couple sulking after dispute on their bed

Sex File: I miss the lovemaking we used to have

Unfortunately my wife does not seem to love her body any more.

Mon, 27 Jan, 2025

Upset woman thinking about relationship problems and lover indifference

Sex File: I can't stop thinking about his beautiful ex-wife

"I can understand why you might be fascinated by your partner's beautiful ex-wife. People's past lives and relationships are always interesting. However, torturing yourself with thoughts of their love life is masochistic."

Mon, 20 Jan, 2025

This is what we've become...

Sex File: I can't make my new girlfriend orgasm

"The first thing you need to do is include more foreplay and clitoral stimulation because very few women can orgasm from penetrative sex alone."

Mon, 13 Jan, 2025

Outdoor, running and man with heart rate on smart watch for exercise, wellness and digital health stats at ocean. Technology, mo

Sex File: He's on a health kick - and he's more into his Garmin watch than me

"Marital relationships have a certain equilibrium and when one person makes unilateral changes it can create an imbalance. Even apparently positive changes can be destabilising."

Mon, 06 Jan, 2025

Let's stay in bed just a little longer

Sex File: He wants me to take the lead in bed

"Even though your husband's difficulties were clearly physiological, when someone you love stops being able to have sex with you, it's hard not to take it personally."

Mon, 30 Dec, 2024

Depressed woman after a fight with her boyfriend in bedroom.

Sex File: Why do I cry after great sex?

The phenomenon is called "postcoital dysphoria", or "post-sex blues", and it is characterised by melancholy, sadness, crying or sobbing after sexual intercourse

Mon, 23 Dec, 2024

Young couple wearing santa claus hat sitting on chair and table around christmas tree at home thinking looking tired and bored w

Sex File: Christmas stress is ruining our sex life - what should I do?

"Between office parties, Nativity plays, Christmas shopping and cramming a fortnight's worth of work into five days so that you can take a stress-free week off over Christmas, this is just not the time of year for languid lovemaking"

Mon, 16 Dec, 2024

Couple sitting on opposite ends of bed after a fight

Sex File: My husband’s grief has affected our intimacy — what can I do?

"Basically, when someone who was a huge part of your life suddenly disappears, they take a part of you with them, and it can take a long time to work out how to live with their absence."

Mon, 09 Dec, 2024

Couple, bedroom and argument with anxiety, stress and drama at home or apartment. Frustrated, woman and man with dispute, angry

Sex File: I keep fantasising about my husband's friend

Is it wrong to let my husband think he's turning me on?

Mon, 02 Dec, 2024

When love fizzles out

Sex File: Is everyone else having better sex?

A couple in their 40s who have only just met will be having passionate sex daily. A couple in their 40s who have been together for decades? Not so much.

Mon, 25 Nov, 2024

Overhead view of sleeping tired couple

Sex File: What can we do in a sexless marriage after menopause?

"Although there is often an underlying explanation, such as illness or erectile dysfunction, sometimes people just lose interest in an activity that requires energy and enthusiasm at a point in life when they might feel a little lacking in both."

Mon, 18 Nov, 2024

Unhappy couple lying in bed

Sex File: He uses sex to resolve our rows

"Figuring out the unspoken subtext for arguments is important because when you focus on the wrong problem, you end up with the wrong solution."

Mon, 11 Nov, 2024

Upset, bedroom and woman in argument with her husband for divorce, marriage problem or breakup. Sad, depression and female perso

Sex File: My partner has put on weight and our sex life is suffering

If your partner feels ashamed of his body, it's going to be hard for him to be emotionally and physically intimate with you

Mon, 04 Nov, 2024

Love conflict

Sex File: Should I settle for a man who does not want to experiment in bed?

"It isn't fair to compare a new sexual relationship to one that had years to mature. A sexual relationship with someone you have only just met is unlikely to make you feel the same way as you did in a marriage that lasted more than a decade."

Mon, 28 Oct, 2024

Young couple having problems while renovating their apartment.

Sex File: Our house renovation is ruining our sex life

"DIY renovation is great fun in the summer but as we head into winter the best advice I can give you is to finish one room - your bedroom - as completely as you can and make it warm."

Mon, 21 Oct, 2024

Mid age couple enjoy conversation sitting on sofa in living room

Sex File: Should I tell him about my fling?

"The internet throws up options like 'soon-to-be partner again' or 'partner in reconciliation' but they are a bit of a mouthful and, since this letter is about your renewed sexual relationship, 'sex-husband' is a bit more fun."

Mon, 14 Oct, 2024

Upset woman thinking about relationship problems and lover indifference

Sex File: Everything about my husband turns me off

"Lots of women feel overwhelmed by the double burden of parenting and domestic responsibility, and if a husband doesn't pull his weight or appreciate how much his wife does, resentment is inevitable."

Mon, 07 Oct, 2024

Upset woman thinking about relationship problems and lover indifference

Sex File: His post-partum body-shaming has put me off sex

"Explain to him that his criticism has damaged your experience of sexual intimacy. I don't think any man would like to know that his wife feels she is simply a "convenient presence" in the bed."

Mon, 30 Sep, 2024

Upset woman sitting on bed with partner sleeping in background

Sex File: We're too young for a sex drought, should we break up?

We're in our 30s but our (once great) sex life has fallen off a cliff

Mon, 23 Sep, 2024