Sex File: My new man wants a performance review almost immediately after making love

The explanations that come to mind are many and varied. Insecurity or performance anxiety are the most obvious, but his need for validation could also be an indication of competitiveness or egotism

Mon, 23 Mar, 2026 - 02:00

Suzi Godson

My new partner insists on feedback, almost as soon as we've finished having sex — what I liked, what he did, what we both want more or less of. I'm a fan of open communication but this is starting to feel more like a performance review. We're in our late 30s and it's been a while since I slept with anyone new. Is this behaviour now normal?

Lots of research confirms high levels of sexual communication positively correlates to sexual satisfaction and relationship satisfaction. Equally, couples who report sexual problems also report a lack of sexual communication.

There are obvious reasons that being able to talk about sex improves relationships. It means couples can discuss consent, safe sex, sexual difficulties, what they like and want more of and what they don't like and want less of. The trouble is, most studies on sexual communication focus on a couple's ability to talk "about" sex, rather than how they talk "during" sex.

You don't mention whether your new partner needs approval in other aspects of your relationship. That may just be an omission, but if it isn't, you need to ask yourself why would a man who is otherwise comfortable in his own skin need a performance review every time he makes love?

The explanations that come to mind are many and varied. Insecurity or performance anxiety are the most obvious, but his need for validation could also be an indication of competitiveness or egotism. He could also simply be inexperienced and trying to learn as much as he can.

Last but not least, could the open communication you say in your question you are a fan of have unintentionally set a slightly unhelpful precedent? Your initial openness and postcoital appreciation may have drawn attention to his performance in a way he wasn't used to — and he is now running with a ball that you unwittingly put into play.

If you suspect his behaviour is driven by insecurity, regular reassurance about how much you like him and how much you like having sex with him should probably help.

So will being more sexually assertive. That mainly means taking the lead in controlling the pace so you slow everything down and build intimacy and arousal more slowly.

Ensuring things are not rushed will help to increase his confidence and also make sex a lot more pleasurable for both of you. You might also demonstrate how much can be said through nonverbal communication.

Research conducted in 2012 at Cleveland State University found verbal communication during sex did not predict sexual satisfaction, whereas nonverbal communication did. Basically, when two people who are having sex trust each other, and are confident about the strength of their relationship, they don't need to say anything at all.

Ironically, the only way to understand what is really going on is to do more talking — but not when you are having sex. At the moment, his behaviour is bothering you, but you still don't know what is driving it. Without that information it is difficult to know how to move forward.

Finding a way to bring it up without making him feel stupid requires sensitivity, but asking him about his need for feedback every time you have sex is not rude. It's just a straightforward enquiry. If he is not aware that he does it, tell him it bothers you and ask him to stop. If he can't or won't change, you might want to question your long-term compatibility.