Sex File: We've only slept with each other — have we missed out on better sex?

Suzi Godson: "Getting from emotional connection to sexual connection is a lot easier than trying to get straight to sex from a standing start. If it has been a while, it can be helpful to put a date in the diary and then plan to make it special."

We've been together since we were teenagers and I feel like we've been going through the motions in the bedroom for some time, but since our son went to boarding school, it's really exposed the lack of excitement in our sex life. 

We're only in our late thirties and I worry we've missed out by never sleeping with anyone but each other. Friends have suggested we "open up" our marriage but we definitely don't want to do that. What else can we try?

Most couples who have been together twenty-something years and raised a family experience some decline in sexual frequency and excitement. I don't really know why anyone expects anything else. 

If a person's favourite food is chocolate cake and they have unlimited access to it for half their life, they inevitably find themselves craving a cheese sandwich.

Because you and your partner got together at such an early age, neither of you has anything to compare your sexual relationship to but, trust me, you are not missing much. 

The reality of casual sex is nowhere near as exciting as it seems. In fact, most people who are having sex with lots of other people are doing so in the hope that they might, if they are lucky, end up with the kind of committed relationship that you and your partner are at risk of taking for granted.

Although it is normal to experience it, boredom of any kind does signal a need for change. It doesn't mean you need to open up your marriage. Instead, consider it an opportunity to explore your sexual relationship in new ways. 

Although your ultimate ambition is to have more exciting sex, the best way to achieve that will be through reconnecting with each other emotionally. Lots of research has shown that a higher level of emotional intimacy is associated with higher levels of desire and more frequent sexual activity.

Taking time to reconnect and to figure out how to "be" now that you have a free house will signal a fresh start for you both. Some shared goals would be good - take a special trip/run a marathon/build an outdoor kitchen/get a dog. 

It doesn't matter what it is as long as it is something you are both interested in. Exploring what you want from the next few years without making demands or putting pressure on yourselves will remind you that you are still in each other's orbit.

Getting from emotional connection to sexual connection is a lot easier than trying to get straight to sex from a standing start. If it has been a while, it can be helpful to put a date in the diary and then plan to make it special. 

Getting away to a hotel would be great. Room service, fresh linen and bubble baths are the world's greatest aphrodisiac, but you might want to pack some treats to turbocharge the experience. Even just introducing a great new lubricant can change the experience, but if you have never shopped online for sex toys together, I'd recommend it. 

The experience itself is really fun, but so is the anticipation it creates. Waiting for the delivery, unboxing, charging, packing and then finally getting to use everything together creates cumulative excitement.

Finally, I just wanted to add that I am in awe of your relationship. The idea that two people can meet as teenagers and still be in sync so many years later blows me away. That is a rare achievement and something to celebrate over your postcoital croissants.

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