Sex File: I'm scared to wake the children, so sex is off the menu

Noise machines obviously block out sudden background noises such as an ambulance siren or a door slamming - and they block out the sound of adults having sex in the room next door. 

My husband and I have young children (two and four) and although I expected neither of us to want much sex at this stage, we do.

The problem is that we have a small home, and I'm so anxious about waking the kids up it kills my mood before we begin. How can I break the cycle?

Babies spend nine months in the womb surrounded by a cacophony of whooshing fluid and the thud, thud, thud of their mother's beating heart, but as soon as they are born they are expected to go to sleep in a dark, silent room.

I'm sure that's why so many babies sleep happily when the vacuum cleaner is going or they are being pushed in a buggy down a noisy street but they fight like hell when they are put down in a quiet room for the night.

An old but relevant study from Queen Charlotte's & Chelsea Hospital confirms that ambient noise helps get kids to sleep. 

Researchers found that when they exposed babies to white noise, the likelihood of them falling asleep increased more than threefold, from 25 to 80%.

The white noise used in the study corresponded to the noise level of a domestic vacuum cleaner, which typically ranges from 60 to 80 decibels, or the inside of a small saloon car travelling at about 30mph, but more recent research advises running noise machines at less than 50 decibels and positioning them at least seven feet from the child.

What does any of this have to do with sex? Well, noise machines obviously block out sudden background noises such as an ambulance siren or a door slamming - and they block out the sound of adults having sex in the room next door. 

Having sex in the living room with the TV on creates an additional sound barrier, and it encourages you to have sex earlier in the evening. 

Separating sexual activity from going to bed is a good idea because you are completely alert, and if one of your children wakes up, you can disentangle and be by their side quickly.

Using technology to help your children sleep should help you to feel more relaxed, but the quickest way to break this cycle is to recognise what is at stake if you don't. 

I very much doubt that the way you worry about your children is exclusively confined to bedtime, and although your immediate concern is the impact it is having on your sex life, there is a great deal of research to show that anxious parents raise anxious children.

Neither you nor your husband wants that, so it is important to nip this thing in the bud. Just talking through irrational fears can help to de-escalate them, and thinking about which risks are real and what you are catastrophising is usually a good place to start.

Trying to exercise during the day or taking up yoga will help you relax. If things don't improve, you should explore professional support. It will help you to be better partners, better parents and better lovers.

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