Sex File: We have great chemistry, so why can't I orgasm? 

One study of psychology students at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, found that men were more likely than women to report thoughts related to sexual performance, and women were more likely than men to report thoughts about body image.

I'm in my 30s and in a new relationship with a man. We have good sexual chemistry but when it comes to having sex, I haven't been able to orgasm. 

I find I am often distracted by random thoughts and then become worried about how long it is taking, which kills my mood completely. How can I get out of my head and focus on the moment more?

Mental distraction, otherwise known as "spectatoring", is a classic sign that you are anxious. If it is any consolation, this is really common. 

Research by the Department of Psychology and Education at Eotvos Lorand University in Budapest in 2018, involving 1,843 women, found that between 30 and 50% of the women who reported orgasmic difficulty attributed it to general or sex-specific anxiety, rather than a lack of sexual interest, desire or arousal, or any medical issues.

Why does it happen? One study of psychology students at the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, found that men were more likely than women to report thoughts related to sexual performance, and women were more likely than men to report thoughts about body image. 

However, men and women were equally likely to report worrying about the external and emotional consequences of having sex, for example, pregnancy, falling in love, or the implications for the relationship.

Non-erotic thoughts during sex were associated with poorer sexual function for men and women, but women reported that their thoughts occurred more frequently, caused more anxiety and led to lower sexual satisfaction than the men.

If you have been single for a while, you may, consciously or subconsciously, feel that there is more riding on this relationship than your elusive orgasm.

It is worth thinking about whether the mental distractions - "Am I taking too long?" - that push you further from orgasm could mask some deeper anxieties. 

Is it a form of self-sabotage, a way of shutting yourself down so you don't build expectations? Is it a pattern you have experienced before, and if not, what is different about you or this relationship?

You may not want to be married or have children, but either way, you and your subconscious are likely to have explored the theoretical concept by now. 

If they are things that you aspire to, it could explain why, while you are trying to have sex, your brain is running around in circles worrying about why you can't relax, while simultaneously calculating your chances of making it to marriage or motherhood. 

Acknowledging what may really be going on could be enough to shift things for you. You may not want to talk to your partner about it for fear of putting him under pressure, but a few sessions with a good therapist could help you manage your anxiety.

You could also explore relaxation techniques such as yoga, meditation and breathwork. 

Failing that, a glass of red wine may help: alcohol is a disinhibitor, and a study of 789 women living in Tuscany in Italy found that compared with women who drank no alcohol, those who regularly drank one or two glasses of red wine scored higher on the female sexual function index for sexual desire and overall sexual function. Cheers to that.

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