Sex File: My wife wants a break from lovemaking — can this end well?

In reality, for the vast majority of people, the desire to have sex is intrinsically linked to how emotionally connected they feel to their partner. 

My wife and I have slightly mismatched libidos that have become more obvious with time and kids (we're both mid-40s, I'm the one with the higher drive) and it can lead to frustration on both sides. 

She is now suggesting we take a break from sex for a short period to focus on rebuilding intimacy - apparently, this is called a sex sabbatical. Can this end well?

The term mismatched libidos implies that a person's desire for sex is somehow innate and that it is not connected to the way they feel about other aspects of their relationship. 

In reality, for the vast majority of people, the desire to have sex is intrinsically linked to how emotionally connected they feel to their partner. 

For example, findings from the most recent National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles (Natsal) in Britain found that 15% of men and 34% of women said they had little or no interest in having sex but, for women, not feeling emotionally close to a partner (as well as being in a long-term relationship and having one or more young children) was one of the primary explanations for low libido.

It's not easy when one partner stops wanting sex. The partner whose bids for sexual connection are constantly rejected can't help but feel unwanted and unloved. And the lower-libido partner is often equally distressed, both by their own lack of desire and the pressure they feel put under.  

Often the low-libido partner will begin to avoid any form of affectionate touch for fear that it will lead to a request for sex, so the couple become increasingly distant. In this context, taking sex out of the equation for a time-limited period can be a way to break the cycle. 

It would certainly show your wife that you are listening and are willing to do whatever it takes to get things back on track.

To be effective a sex sabbatical has to be accompanied by a shared mutual commitment to rebuilding intimacy. Although intimacy and sex are interconnected, they are not the same thing. Intimacy encompasses the emotional, sexual, intellectual, experiential and even spiritual connections that allow two people who care about each other to feel completely safe, supported, understood and accepted for who they are. 

Because it is such a multidimensional phenomenon, it is perfectly possible for a couple who don't have sex to remain extremely intimate. 

It helps to think about intimacy as a multitude of threads connecting the two of you. If all the threads are strong, snipping the one marked sex will do very little to undermine the strength of your connection. If all the threads are very fragile, cutting any of them will compromise the integrity of the relationship.

The couple's therapist Jean-Claude Chalmet recently wrote a helpful article in this paper on how to increase intimacy in a romantic relationship. The tip that resonated most with me was to try to be playful and to make each other laugh. Marriage can get real boring, real quick. 

Working, paying the mortgage, minding the kids - the day-to-day grind makes it all too easy to forget the qualities that brought you together in the first place. Remember how funny and spontaneous with each other you were in the early days? 

I suspect that is what your wife wants more of. Give her joy, love, respect, attention and time, and I doubt it will take a whole month for her sexual spark to reignite.

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