Sex File: He won't try new things in bed 

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My partner and I have been together for six years. I feel like I want to try new things in bed but he doesn't feel the same way and as a result our sex life has waned. 

I think he believes that a part of me must not have been enjoying sex in the past if I feel this way now, while I'm frustrated that he won't be more open-minded. Are we doomed?

Maybe. It kind of depends on you. For the past six years, things have been relatively stable, and you have had what your partner at least considers to be a satisfying sex life. 

He is content with things the way they are. You are not. 

You feel that you are trying to pull your sexual relationship in a new and potentially exciting direction, and rather than giving it a try, he is digging his heels in. I'm not judging, but I think his reaction is fairly predictable.

You've had a long time to think about what you want. He hasn't had that chance. He has been presented with a request to turn his stable sex life upside down and instead of instantly agreeing to give it a go he has retreated. 

In reality, most people would respond that way and, like your partner, interpret it as a criticism of the sex they had been having for the past six years. 

They would assume that while they had been happy with vanilla their partner had been fantasising about umami. And to some degree they would be right.

I could tell you to try to bring him with you in a gentle way, but I'm not confident that would work. 

People have very individual sexual preferences. Some are experimental. They love fetish, bondage, pain, polyamory and pushing the boundaries. 

Others are more conservative. They need routine, monogamy and Saturday morning missionary. Sexual opposites can make relationships work, but it is much more difficult. 

It requires really clear lines of communication and huge levels of trust and acceptance. Being more open with your partner would help. 

Allowing him to explain his reaction without criticising it would help more. Whatever you learn from this exchange, understanding where he is coming from will help you to make a more informed decision about what you do next.

Ultimately, there is nothing wrong with wanting more and credit to you for being honest about it. If your drive to experiment is stronger than the feelings that you have for your partner then this relationship may have run its course. 

Romantic relationships are the voluntary union of two people who believe life is better when they are together than when they are apart. For some people that choice proves to be right for a lifetime. For others, relationships are relevant to specific times and don't last long term.

At this point you want to walk on the wilder side and he isn't willing to come with you. If you bottle up your desires in order to accommodate his reluctance you will eventually grow resentful. 

If you try to act on them and he doesn't approve you will feel equally resentful. As you are the one that wants change you are the one that needs to decide whether a relationship that cannot accommodate your sexual needs is right for you. 

If you are not married you are not tethered by anything other than choice and shared history. Although it is incredibly difficult to walk away from a six-year relationship, sometimes it is the right thing to do.

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