Sex File: How can we spice up the empty nest?

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Our adult children have all now left home, which I thought would be a good chance for my husband and I to reconnect, but we have felt strangely shy around each other in the silence left behind. I would like this to feel like an opportunity for us to reboot our sex life but neither of us are good at talking about it openly. Where do we start?

An empty nest is a big change, and if your marriage was less robust than it sounds, this would actually be a very risky time. When attention is directed away from children and back towards the primary relationship, it can highlight shortcomings. By comparison, this transition seems to be bringing you back into focus with each other.

As the two of you shyly figure out how to "be" in your newly silent home, you can actually look on it as a perfect opportunity to re-engineer your sexual relationship. The awkwardness you feel is shifting your perspective from one of familiarity to one of distance, and that is a good thing. I would suggest trying to hold on to that sense of "otherness" and unfamiliarity, if anything, especially when you are having sex. Seeing your husband as an individual, someone who is separate from you and has his own autonomy, can be extremely sexy.

Try observing him during everyday activities as if you didn't know him at all. However mundane the task - ordering a coffee, reading the paper, walking the dog - stand back and ask yourself what you would think of this man if you did not already know him. Watch how he interacts with other people and how they respond to him. See him as others see him. This small exercise is a very simple and effective way to create some psychological distance (or maintain the position you find yourself in now) and it allows you to reflect objectively on the qualities that first attracted you to this lovely, sexy man who chose to make a life with you, raised a family with you and is now tentatively taking the first steps towards old age with you.

Another option that can make it easier to navigate big life transitions is to get a bit of professional help. Although most associate couples counselling with marital difficulties, this might be the perfect time for you and your husband to talk to a therapist. In a long-term relationship, sex is more about love than chemistry, so if you can strengthen your emotional connection, you will inevitably strengthen your physical connection too.

You might not talk specifically about sex with your counsellor, but if you do, they will definitely encourage you to appreciate and build on your existing sexual connection. Often, it's just about reframing the way you think. Rather than dismissing the sex you have had in the past, you might think about the kind of pleasure you want to share in the future. Men can sometimes feel more resistant to the idea of opening up to a third party, especially about something as private as sex. Getting your husband involved in finding the right counsellor might help him feel more comfortable about the process.

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