Sex File: Why is our sex more passionate in our long-distance relationship?

Suzi Godson: "It is also true that repeated separation and reunion create a sense of anticipatory nostalgia that sweetens the experience exponentially." Picture: iStock 

My partner and I have been together for three years but for the past six months we have been in a long-distance relationship due to work, only seeing each other at weekends. 

The sex has felt much more passionate and we've been more connected. How can we keep that going when we're seeing each other every day again?

Although things feel wonderful now, the reality of living apart long term is not ideal. 

A qualitative study called Sex, Love and Security: Accounts of Distance and Commitment in Living Apart Together Relationships from Canterbury Christ Church University found that living apart can become a way of keeping control over one's life and that this can create emotional distance for couples. 

Just as absence makes the heart grow fonder, being out of sight can, of course, mean being out of mind.

It's worth weighing up the advantages and disadvantages of being separated during the week so that you don't idealise your situation. Distance is probably giving both of you the space you need to do your own thing and that makes it easier to be 100% present for each other when you are together. 

When the time you have with each other is limited, you squeeze the absolute maximum out of it and you never have to deal with overexposure or day-to-day irritations. 

It is also true that repeated separation and reunion create a sense of anticipatory nostalgia that sweetens the experience exponentially. Even when you are wrapped around your partner like a limpet, you know that when he leaves, you will miss him like crazy. 

The tension between your blissful state and imagining your partner's absence intensifies all your emotions and that makes everything much more poignant.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, although spending each and every day together increases the risk that you take each other for granted - which in turn can lead to rows and dissatisfaction - seeing significantly more of each other also increases the opportunity for spontaneous sex.

When you wake up on a random Tuesday morning feeling a bit frisky, you can simply slide into each other's arms.

When you live together, your partner is the first person you see in the morning and the last person you see at night, and that constancy cements the bond between you.

Ultimately, the future you are anxious about is actually a glorious opportunity to fully share each other's lives more completely.

You have obviously established some healthy and fulfilling sexual patterns while you are living apart, and there is absolutely no reason why you can't sustain them when you are living together again. 

If, over the past six months, Friday nights and Saturday mornings were dedicated to reunification and Sunday night featured a parting quickie, why stop?

Make a commitment to keeping those times free for each other so that you can maintain that routine for as long as possible. 

The increased frequency and intensity won't last forever. Nothing does. 

Even if you and your partner made the situation you are in permanent, your sexual relationship would not stay the same because you will both change. You'd get older. You'd want more. 

You'd feel less connected. You'd want greater commitment. The only constant is change - so lock in, enjoy the present and stop worrying about the future.

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