Sex File: My new partner says we're sexually incompatible — what should I do?

Picture: iStock 

I am divorced and recently met a new woman I've been very excited about. I thought things were going well but she has decided we are "sexually incompatible". I'm not sure what she means, as we both seemed to be having a good time, and surely incompatibility can be worked on. What do you think?

Sexual incompatibility is not easy to define. It can describe anything from a lack of chemistry to poor technique, but it usually includes poor communication and an absence of intimacy. Either way, it is not a term that gets bandied about in brand-new sexual relationships. Although I can't tell you precisely what this woman meant by "sexually incompatible", I can tell you that it doesn't really matter because her words are such a massive red flag. No woman who wants a relationship to continue would say something as brutal as that to a new sexual partner.

In your letter, it sounds as if you are hoping that I might be able to help you to state your case so you can persuade her to give it another go. I genuinely don't see the point in doing that. Ultimately, what you want is immaterial because all relationships require two people to voluntarily commit to them. 

If this woman were interested in you and in this relationship, she would have found a much gentler or more constructive way to address any perceived sexual difficulties. 

Yes, you are right that incompatibility can be worked on - any sexual difficulty can - but it is only worth doing so if both partners believe the relationship is worth saving. She is not telling you that.

Rejection always stings, but the fact that she doesn't want to be with you is not a reflection on you or your desirability. Sexual compatibility is a two-way thing, and given that it didn't work out is as much about her as it is about you. I also suspect that she is using it as an excuse because it is naive of anyone to think that sex with a new partner will be 100% perfect from the get-go. 

Most couples find that sex in a new relationship feels a bit odd, or different, or not quite what they were expecting. When two people barely know each other, let alone each other's sexual likes and dislikes, how could they expect anything else? 

The difference is that new couples are generally so into each other that they are willing to forgive a bit of awkward fumbling or a mistimed climax. They overlook the differences because they know that good sex is much more about connection than compatibility.

Your best bet is to take her giant hint and set her free. You will meet someone new in due course and my advice would be to spend much more time getting to know them so that you can be sure you actually like each other before you get into bed.

Getting to know someone in real life is better than finding someone online, but it can be difficult to do when you are at an age where most of your peers are married or in relationships. 

Dating apps are useful, but there are far more men than women using them and most tend to focus on younger users. Interestingly, a 2024 report showed that 50% of users on both Plenty of Fish and Match are aged over 45, so perhaps they are the place to start. I hope you find a better match next time.

• Send your questions to [e-mail]