Sex File: My partner doesn't want to have sober sex 

Relationships where one partner drinks and the other is teetotal can work well, but research shows that romantic partners can both positively and negatively influence each other's drinking patterns.

Sex with my partner has always been good, but that changed when I stopped drinking. 

Now I want things to be slower, more intimate and connected, while he still wants the falling-through-the-door sex that happens after alcohol. Are we doomed to be mismatched?

At the beginning of a new relationship everything is exciting and sex is so intense that you simply can't imagine a time when it won't feel that way. Several years later, the bond is deeper, but the sex is less spontaneous and sometimes you need a bit of a push to get going. That push often comes from alcohol, the unwinder of choice for many of us. It is disinhibitory, which is why people sometimes do things they regret when they are drunk. Alcohol induces feelings of euphoria. It makes you feel sexy and carefree, and in a long-term relationship it is the reason that "wining and dining" becomes a common form of foreplay.

The trouble with using alcohol to initiate sex is that if you do it often enough, you begin to associate the two things and, eventually, stumbly sex after a date-night dinner becomes something of a self-fulfilling prophecy. This pattern has now lost its charm for you. By not drinking you have broken the association and being stone-cold sober when your partner is inebriated massively changes the dynamic.

Relationships where one partner drinks and the other is teetotal can work well, but research shows that romantic partners can both positively and negatively influence each other's drinking patterns. So if you quit because you were worried that you were drinking too much, there is a chance that being forced to drink alone may make your partner less enthusiastic about alcohol too. You can't make him cut back - that's a decision he has to make for himself - but as the new year approaches, doing dry January may be something he is willing to consider.

In the meantime, you need to find a way to have more connected sex with your partner. You describe it as feeling as if you are not on the same sexual frequency, but I'm not sure I would explain it to him in quite those terms.

In fact, initially, it may be easier to keep things as they are and introduce change by stealth. That means not changing the present pattern, but trying to introduce slower, more connected sex at times when you know your partner definitely won't have been drinking. Weekend mornings are probably your best bet. On a frosty Saturday morning, there is literally nothing nicer than snuggling up under the duvet, skin to skin, and the likelihood is that you will both find sober sex more rewarding. Alcohol is an effective relaxant, but it also causes vascular dilation, which can have a deleterious effect on male sexual function. It also decreases sensitivity, which reduces the intensity of orgasm.

In contrast, sober sex feels so much more sensuous and intimate because you are fully present and in the moment. Although communication is the cornerstone of all great relationships, there is no doubt that "show" sometimes works much better than "tell".

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