Sex File: Will sleeping in separate beds put an end to our love life?

I'm worried it could be the beginning of the end

Picture: iStock 

My husband snores and I am (apparently) a fidgety sleeper. We are in our 40, and have discussed the possibility of separate beds for a while. Some friends say it can actually improve sex, but I'm worried that things have been flagging a bit to begin with and it could be the beginning of the end. How do we ensure that doesn't happen?

Before giving up on the easy intimacy that sharing a bed encourages, you should do everything you can to address your husband's snoring. The reason lots of people snore is because when they sleep, their muscles relax and their tongue rests against the back wall of their throat, which partially blocks their airways and causes the back of their throat to vibrate. Lying on his back will make the problem worse so encourage your husband to try to sleep on his side by placing a bolster pillow behind him to stop him rolling over in the night.

Snoring is also exacerbated by alcohol consumption, so try asking him to cut down on the booze too. If, however, your husband has proper sleep apnoea - when he sounds like he is not breathing and then gasps for air - he needs to see a doctor, and you probably do need separate rooms until the issue is addressed.

Although lots of couples feel embarrassed about admitting to sleeping in separate rooms, the relationship between sex and sleeping is actually relatively recent. Up until the 19th century, private bedrooms were only available to the very wealthy and sex was something that people engaged in opportunistically, whenever or wherever they could snatch a bit of privacy. 

Today, the reason most sexual encounters take place in the bedroom is because you can lock the door, beds are comfy and after the exuberance of orgasm you can drift off into a blissful postcoital sleep. However, it is not a binary choice. If you have a second bedroom there is no reason why a fidgety sleeper and a person who snores have to put up with each other night after night.

Hybrid sleeping is something that new parents do all the time and no one considers it a "sleep divorce" in that context. 

It's just two people prioritising sleep quality and it has no impact on the quality of their sexual relationship. For you and your husband, sleeping together when you want to have sex and sleeping apart when one, or both of you, is tired/fluey/drunk/etc would make a lot of sense. 

You can maintain your usual bedtime routine. There's no need to give up the lovely wind-down chat as you get your PJs on, brush your teeth and unpack your day, and you can still get into bed together for a quick dopamine rush. Then once the snoring starts, you just retire to your own boudoir for a peaceful night's sleep and, if morning sex is your preference, you can take turns waking each other up.

I know you are already worried about sexual frequency, but with the right attitude, separate rooms may be just what you need to do to shake things up. The decision to sleep in separate beds forces you to factor sex into your lives and if you are both sleeping better and feel under less pressure you will probably find it easier to prioritise. Getting a good night's sleep means that you will have more energy and that alone increases the likelihood that you will want to have more rather than less sex.

Send your queries to [e-mail]