Sex File: Our sessions go on for too long and I stop enjoying it — is there a solution?

By taking control and becoming a more active and assertive sexual partner, you are likely to find he achieves orgasm more quickly - as well as making the experience more varied and enjoyable, hopefully for both of you. 

I'm in my 30s and have recently started dating a new man, but am having a problem I've not experienced before: the sex goes on for too long. After a certain point I feel I stop enjoying it and just want it to be over. Is there a solution to this?

Lots of men, especially those who grew up watching porn, misguidedly believe that being able to have sex for ages without climaxing is a real skill. 

Because women generally take longer than men to become aroused enough to achieve orgasm, it can be advantageous for a man to be able to sustain an erection. However, consistently extended sex sessions are unfortunately more likely to cause extreme discomfort than to give her an orgasm.

The most obvious (and easy) solution to this problem is just to tell him that you'd like to mix things up a bit. Explain that sometimes all you actually want is a quickie, and that you find spontaneity extremely erotic. 

He is unlikely to take offence or react sensitively to this approach - if that's something you're worried about.

However, if you are worried about how he will respond, you could also take matters into your own hands. By taking control and becoming a more active and assertive sexual partner, you are likely to find he achieves orgasm more quickly - as well as making the experience more varied and enjoyable, hopefully for both of you. 

Get on top. Use your hands. Use your voice (research shows that "copulatory vocalisation", aka moaning, hastens male orgasm). You could also introduce sex toys if that feels like something you might enjoy. 

Varying his sensory experience generally ensures that he will reach climax more rapidly. Having sex in different places will also help to change the pace.

If you do all of this and nothing changes, your partner may not actually be capable of speeding things up. Delayed ejaculation (DE) is a diagnosable condition that is defined as an active "thrusting" threshold of more than 20 to 25 minutes during penetrative sex.

The most common causes identified in research are anxiety/distress (41%), inadequate stimulation (23%), low arousal (18%), medical issues (9%), and partner issues (8%). 

DE can also be a side-effect of antidepressants, drinking too much or taking drugs such as valium. It can also happen as a result of pudendal neuropathy, which is most frequently caused by a crush to the perineum from cycling, particularly when a bike has a narrow racing saddle.

If this is the issue, your partner needs to talk to a doctor, but he may need your support to do so. Men can be reluctant to seek medical help at the best of times, but this is even more true when the issue relates to sexual function. 

Getting a diagnosis is important, however, because DE can be an early indication of underlying health conditions such as diabetes or neuropathy. 

The good news is that one of the easiest ways to help men with DE to climax sooner is to introduce vibratory stimulation. 

In one small study, 36 men who had difficulty achieving orgasm were taught to use a vibrator during sex. After three months, 62% had climaxed during sex. 

Even if your partner doesn't meet the criteria for DE, introducing additional stimulation may help you to speed things up.

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