Sex File: My wife says she is bored with our lovemaking

There are all sorts of ways to make sex more exciting, but it all starts with emotional intimacy, writes Suzi Godson

Sex takes two, so you are only ever 50% responsible for the state of your sexual relationship. Picture: iStock 

Our sex life has gone off the boil. After a few attempts to broach the subject with my wife she finally admitted she's a bit "bored" by it, which hurt. We're in our 40s, out of the new baby years and otherwise fit and healthy, but she has a high-pressure job. My ego is bruised, and I'm not sure where we go from here.

Describing something as "boring" is a very effective way to dismiss something that you don't particularly want to do. If your wife is under a lot of pressure, having sex probably feels like an additional demand she can't cope with right now. 

She has been a bit harsh, but try not to take it personally. If things have gone off the boil in the bedroom, she is equally accountable. Sex takes two, so you are only ever 50% responsible for the state of your sexual relationship. 

When she says she finds sex boring, she is not saying she finds you boring. She is, however, suggesting that you — plural — ought to shake things up a bit.

There are all sorts of ways to make sex more exciting, but it all starts with emotional intimacy. Research shows that even when sexual satisfaction is low, high levels of emotional intimacy can buffer against negative impacts. Similarly, increasing emotional intimacy leads to a corresponding increase in sexual desire.

The easiest way to strengthen it is to share your feelings and be vulnerable with each other. Talk about the history of your relationship and how proud you are of your family and the life you have built together. 

Get her to open up about her insecurities or her concerns about the job. Share your hopes for the future or regrets about the past, and when you talk about sex, talk in a non-judgemental way about what you want, what you miss, and what you might like to try.

Non-sexual touch is a low-stress way to increase emotional intimacy. 

Holding hands. Giving one another a back rub. Playful touch. Skin-to-skin contact in bed at night. The more you touch, the closer you will feel, and that in turn will help to increase your levels of sexual desire.

You should be strategic about when you have sex. Saturday and Sunday mornings are the most common times for couples to have sex because people tend to feel more rested and free of stress. 

When you don't have other commitments, it is easier to focus on having an intentional, mindful and focused sexual experience.

Finally, I would suggest that you should both challenge your expectations. Sex ebbs and flows in the course of all long-term relationships. It changes in response to big life events: new jobs, financial stress, illness, etc. 

Prior to having your babies you probably had lots of sex.  After them, not so much. Now your wife is stressed and your sex life is in the doldrums, but it is unlikely to stay that way. Change is normal, so the dry spell is not something either of you should get too worked up about.

There is quite a lot of research to show that couples who accept that sex changes over time are happier than couples who expect sexual frequency and intensity to stay the same. 

Several studies have found that identifying changes in desire as "normal" protects against the negative influences of discrepancy — so, ironically, expecting ups and downs in sexual desire in your relationship is what helps to maintain it.

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