Sex File: What should I do about my husband's lost sex drive? 

It sounds like your husband feels impotent in every sense of the word. He feels that he has failed you and he can't see a way through, so he has withdrawn.

My marriage began as an affair fuelled by glorious sex, which caused our exes a lot of pain, but 20 years on we're still very much in love. In the past five years, however, my husband has developed type 2 diabetes and lost his sex drive. We're only in our 50s- how do I live with this?

I understand that you find this situation difficult, but I would urge you to take a step back and think about what your husband has been dealing with. He has had to adjust to the shock of a diagnosis that can be managed but not cured. He has also experienced complications that any man would find challenging - one in three people with diabetes experience sexual difficulties,

Low libido can affect both men and women, and diabetic neuropathy, a type of nerve damage, can cause erectile dysfunction in men. In fact, according to 2021 research at the University of California, men with diabetes are 3.5 times more likely to develop such difficulties, and that's how some cases are diagnosed. 

Metformin, the drug that is most commonly prescribed for type 2 diabetes, can sometimes help, but from your longer letter, it sounds as if your husband has tried everything. On top of all of this, he is dealing with the impact that his diagnosis has had on his devastated wife, who feels the absence of sex so much more acutely than he does. It's a lot.

It sounds like your husband feels impotent in every sense of the word. He feels that he has failed you and he can't see a way through, so he has withdrawn. You say if you try to talk to him he shuts down the conversation and he pulls away if you attempt intimacy. You feel frustrated, understandably, and wonder what the future holds for you both. But rather than focusing on what you have lost, I'd urge you to appreciate what you still have.

Your relationship had a turbulent start, but you've been together for 20 years, and in your longer letter, you say you have two fabulous children. Your husband is still the same person, but his confidence has taken a hit. Rather than making him feel bad about what he can't do, help him to think in terms of what he can do. If you can get back to a place of shared respect and trust you will discover that sexual pleasure and intimacy are still very much available to you both.

You both should be kissing, cuddling, hand holding and sleeping skin to skin to maintain your physical and emotional connection. 

You can continue having orgasms till you die, irrespective of whether your husband can get an erection, so make him part of that process, as bringing you to orgasm in other ways will confirm to him that he is not sexually redundant. 

Ultimately, your husband needs to know that this is not a deal-breaker and that you really are there for him "in sickness and in health".

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