Joanna Fortune: My baby won't let me cuddle him since my hospital stay 

The hospitalisation of a parent can be very disruptive for any child and it is quite typical that their behaviour reflects this. Picture: iStock 

 

I had to go to the hospital for a small procedure but ended up staying over a week as I developed an infection. Though my 14-month-old was very well looked after by his dad and grandparents, he was very angry when I got home and even slapped me. Though it's a month since it happened, he’s still off form and won’t let me cuddle him. I’m being patient but the lack of connection is deeply upsetting. What would you suggest?

I’m sorry that you were so unwell and hope that you are recovering. Taking care of yourself and returning to your usual healthy self is not only in your interests but also in your child’s, so please do prioritise your wellness.

I can understand why your young son is having such a hard time. He may look cross with you but the truth is probably nearer to the fact that he missed you — he was sad and couldn’t understand why you disappeared. I don’t say this to add to your guilt but understanding his response from his very young perspective will help you move towards repair.

Children his age are still developing their capacity for what is called ‘people permanence’, or an understanding that those who are close to them come and go. This capacity enables children to tolerate periods of separation without slipping into fight-or-flight responses because they know and trust that you can leave and will return to them. 

You strengthen this capacity in them by playing ‘concealment and discovery games’ — in other words, games like peek-a-boo and hide-and-seek, where they see you, lose you momentarily, and find you again.

Ensure you start incorporating this type of play into your daily playtime with him. Gently, yet consistently, persevere with playfulness, even, and perhaps especially, when he is cross.

Rock him, sway him, sing to him, because activities that incorporate rhythm and synchrony help to activate sub-systems of our brains associated with emotional regulation. This is particularly useful when we feel out of sync with ourselves and/or each other as it helps restore synchrony and connection.

The hospitalisation of a parent can be very disruptive for any child and it is quite typical that their behaviour reflects this. 

A child might be angry or even rejecting the absent parent, but their upset can also be expressed in crying, clinginess, or behavioural regression, such as suddenly being unable to do things they previously could do, sleep disruption, or food refusal. In a situation like this, keep in mind your son is not trying to be difficult — he is trying to communicate he is struggling with what has happened.

Acceptance and empathy will help you see this from his very young perspective and a calm, consistent connection will get you all back on track.

This situation will ease with time, but you first need to go back to basics and do lots of play with him. He is at a stage of sensory/embodiment play, so consider messy play, music, and body movement such as swaying and dancing.

Play fuels connection and promotes emotional regulation. It is the language of children and it is a non-verbal way of working through a separation rupture and will help him to move past his separation anxiety.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]

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