How to reconnect when a child starts to pull back

Your child may not have the words to explain what is upsetting them, but learning to meet them on their level can help bridge the divide

It is important to be ready to listen when teenagers are ready to talk. Picture: iStock 

WHEN children or teens are reluctant to talk about what might be bothering them, it can be hard to know whether they are, in fact, feeling a bit overwhelmed or stressed.

A change in behaviour can often be code for something is up, says psychotherapist and author Joanna Fortune: “Behaviour tends to be the way children and teenagers express something they’re either not yet ready or able to verbally express. What the behaviours look and sound like varies in accordance with age and stage of development.

“If your young child has disrupted sleep, changes to eating or toileting habits, or perhaps becomes more withdrawn and flat in their mood, or was happy to go to school or activities but now doesn’t want to leave your side — these are all things I’d become curious about, and I’d track observations over a few days or weeks.”

Fortune says adolescents tend to have a greater capacity for verbal expression, but their emotional fluency is often affected by stress: “You’ll see regression, that’s a big clue — they’ll behave in ways they did when they were younger. 

"When we see our children — regardless of age — behave in ways they used to, or no longer embrace independence or expressions in a way you know they can, it’s a sign they’re reverting back to a younger time, perhaps when they felt safer, and you were doing more for them or on their behalf.”

She urges tuning into what you know is typical, and therefore atypical, for your own child: 

A young child suddenly isolating in their room may be out of character, whereas a teenager doing this can be developmental.

As to why they might not want to talk, Linda Breathnach, psychotherapist and member of the Irish Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, says the younger primary school cohort might not even know something is up with them, or they might have limited words to explain what it is.

Adolescents can face complex developmental and social issues that can prevent them from opening up.

“They’re forming their identity at this stage, so they’re a bit more vulnerable to attributing meaning to comments,” says Breathnach.

“They might, for example, associate their identity with a jibe in the schoolyard and then develop a fear around exposing an issue to anyone else, or showing their true selves for fear of being different, criticised, or judged.”

She says another barrier to teens opening up about feeling burdened is not wanting to worry their parents.

Curiosity over uncertainty

How do you help reluctant confiders to talk about what is going on for them, or to process it?

Breathnach says play is invaluable for younger children: “You can role-play together with their dolls or Lego figures. You can act out something if you suspect what might be going on.

“Let them play whatever character they want. Let them act it out safely in play format with their figures, their stories, their drawings.”

She gives the example of a child having a major meltdown in the supermarket: “Role-playing it — even using fun and humour — can lighten it and help with empathy.”

Breathnach says play is the opposite of interrogation. In the case of the supermarket meltdown, she says: “If instead of playing, you said, ‘What do you think happened in the shop? Why did you react like that? You need to not do that anymore’, the child isn’t able for such an approach at that younger age.”

Fortune says curiosity over certainty is always the best approach with reluctant-to-talk kids: 

Accept that you don’t know everything about this situation. And show you’re curious and open to learning what’s going on from your child’s perspective.

She says holding such an “inquisitive stance” keeps us open to fresh thinking and new perspectives: “Stay curious, use ‘I wonder’ and accept whatever your child or teen responds with, without judgement. 

"When we can ‘wonder’ and ‘double wonder’ — wonder a second time in response to what they first say — we bring our children deeper into their own experience in a supportive way.

“Let them set the pace and take a break when it feels like they’re done with the conversation.”

She recommends avoiding the pull of the “fix or change” agenda. “While well-intentioned, it doesn’t help our children or teens when we jump in with the solution or advocate on their behalf when we know they can do this for themselves.

“When children — and especially teenagers — are having difficulty, what they mostly want and what benefits them most is when we can hold space for their worries and simply listen to them.”

Fortune says listening is not passive: “It is active, and it lets our young people know they are heard and understood — and can think and feel out loud with us.”

She says you can wonder what they might find helpful — without sabotaging this process by telling them the answer.

Respecting their autonomy

Location and environment really help older teens to open up, says Fortune, who recommends a ‘talk-walk’ — you go for a walk and talk while walking — or a drive in the car.

“These are less intense spaces to have conversations that can be tricky for teens,” Fortune says. “You’re side-by-side rather than face-to-face, and there’s movement involved, but you’re still together.

“Setting up a safe ‘nurture space’ at home can also help. Pop some microwave popcorn, get a comfy blanket onto the sofa, and join them in whatever they’re watching — without judging it — and share a snack sitting close by without mentioning anything at all.”

Breathnach says it is important to be ready to listen when teenagers are ready to talk: “Their body clocks are different to ours. Often, they don’t fully wake up until about 11pm just when you might be ready to go to bed. But we have to be ready when they’re ready.”

She emphasises the importance of leaving silences: “It’s easier said than done — parents want to fix, rescue, give answers, guide, and give wisdom. But really it’s about trying to respect their autonomy. So instead, hesitate, hold back, take a breath, and listen.”

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She urges letting an observation or a ‘wonder’ land: “Count another 10 seconds in your head to let it settle — that’s really important for letting them have time to process.”

Breathnach encourages parents not to take it personally if their teen decides to talk to another trusted adult — for example, an uncle or aunt — rather than them.

Fortune has the following tips around common pitfalls for parents trying to get their children to talk — and how to do it positively:

• Avoid confronting your teenager and demanding they open up to you before they feel ready.

“Rather reflect gently that you’ve noticed they seem preoccupied or aren’t their usual selves, and that you’re available if they want to think or talk about it together.”

• Avoid interrupting them to move them along quicker than they are thinking.

“Instead, listen and reflect back what you hear them saying. This allows them to hear their own words, correct their misunderstandings, and encourages them to provide more details on any particular points.”

• Avoid telling them they’re ‘wrong’ in their interpretation of the situation.

“Rather, reflect what you’ve heard them say with acceptance — and empathy for them and how they feel about this situation. If something similar happened to you, reflect on what you initially thought was going on and how that was right in parts and wrong in other parts, and how your feelings moved as your understanding developed.”