Joanna Fortune: How can I establish ground rules during my teen's Leaving Cert year? 

Joanna Fortune: It’s possible to assert ground rules and hold boundaries without the exchange spiralling into conflict. Picture: iStock 

My 17-year-old son didn’t do much over the summer, preferring gaming and meeting up with friends to exercising or playing sports. I put up with it as he’s heading into Leaving Cert year. But I’m worried about his attitude — he complains about the smallest job I ask him to do at home, and mostly shrugs when I ask even a simple question. I don’t want to argue with him, but how can I put down some basic ground rules?

Maintaining structure and having reasonable expectations supports steady engagement and focus, which will help your son in his final year of school.

Often, we conflate “rest” with doing nothing, but “rest” is an active pursuit. Rest is not simply about collapsing onto the couch; it is intentional, low-intensity movement that allows us to recharge mentally and physically so that we can keep going. A walk with friends or a gentle run is restful, while also boosting blood flow and preventing muscle stiffness or lethargy from creeping in.

It is vital that you are clear with yourself — so that you can be clear when talking to your son — about your expectations this academic year. Assigning small jobs or chores to him will not only do no harm, but it is also important.

Light physical chores can serve as an effective brain break from higher -intensity mental tasks like schoolwork and studying. They are also a great way to take a screen break.

You could do something in the same room at the same time, creating opportunities for a casual conversation and strengthening your connection.

At the end of your letter, you say you don’t want to argue with your son but want to set ground rules. In trying to avoid an argument, you may be inadvertently letting these basic ground rules and boundaries slide.

An argument is not always avoidable when parenting teenagers because developmentally they are wired to engage with you in conflict and resistance as they assert their drive for autonomy and independence.

But it’s possible to assert ground rules and hold boundaries without the exchange spiralling into conflict.

It starts with you adopting a stance of collaboration over control. Timing is key here. Do not introduce rules or demands during a row, wait for a calmer moment, perhaps while in the car together or over dinner so that you can talk through your expectations. Invite his input in terms of what he thinks is reasonable and fair, and show that you are willing to compromise a little on what you are asking.

Define consequences early on and ensure you stay consistent. This might sound a little like: “I noticed your chores aren’t done. If you can get those done by 5pm I will be able to bring you to sports practice or your friends’ house. If you don’t get it done, I won’t be able to bring you.”

You say this calmly and without threatening, you are simply explaining the natural consequences when the basic things you request are not done. If there is an argument, don’t focus on the row; focus on the repair, which is how you reconnect with him afterwards.

He may not thank you in the short term, but this is part of parenting him towards autonomy and independence.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail] or use the form below