Joanne Fortune: My son is lost in secondary school

"School has to be about more than just academics; it is about building connections within the school community and getting involved in community life as well."

My son has started first year in secondary school and is struggling to adjust. His best friend from primary is in a different class and seems to have lost interest in him. He has no one to hang out with during breaks and, most days, he comes home with his lunchbox unopened. I asked him if he wanted to change class but he said no, as he doesn’t want to stand out. I’m not sure what to do.

The adjustment from primary to secondary is not an easy one, and the struggle is not just around the physical move from a small to a big
school.

As you are seeing, very often it is about friendship, community, and a sense of belonging. Children adjust gradually, mostly at their own pace, though we hope to see that they have mostly settled within six weeks of starting school. I don’t say this to minimise or dismiss your son’s struggle, because he is struggling.

Friendships change, often dramatically, during adolescence because teenagers mature at different paces. Children who have enjoyed a very close friendship in primary school can suddenly be separated by a chasm of maturity and all of the changes early adolescence brings. It is a time for pulling away from what has previously been safe and familiar and exploring aspects of identity, including new friends, new interests, new styles, and attitudes to match. While we adults know this is typical, it can feel like an abrupt affront to the child who is suddenly feeling excluded and left out.

Secondary school is also a new experience for your son’s primary school best friend, and I’m sure he is adjusting within his new class group as best as he can, so I doubt his intention is to cause your son any stress; more likely that he is not even thinking about your son and is very much focused on his own drive to fit into this new expanded social grouping.

It is still early days, but I would consider flagging your concerns that your son is struggling to make connections with his year head. That way, the school can keep an eye on him, nudge him towards kids he might have a more natural fit with, and encourage him to get more involved in the school community. I think that this latter point is worth emphasising.

School has to be about more than just academics; it is about building connections within the school community and getting involved in community life as well. Think about what activities your school offers; it could be sports, and that is a great way to get involved in the school community, but not all kids are sporty, so explore what else is available in drama, chess, coding, dance, music etc. If he can become more engaged in an activity within school, he will meet kids with whom he has a shared interest, which will help him to form new friendships.

Focus on validating his feelings and normalise the adjustment challenges without seeking to minimise them with reassurance. It’s important he feels understood so he keeps talking to you. Keep home and outside-of-school activities consistent; a predictable routine can be very reassuring. Expect him to be overwhelmed and exhausted with all he is dealing with and provide as much nurture as he will tolerate. This can be hugs but it can also be a cup of tea and a chocolate bar side by side watching TV. If he does not settle and make friends by early/mid-October, meet his year head to share your concerns more directly

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