Joanna Fortune: How can I make peace with my mother-in-law after our argument?  

I had a disagreement over the children's bedtimes with my mother-in-law, she hasn't spoken to me since

If the relationship matters more to you than being right, and you want it to be stronger than this row, perhaps it’s time to mend it. Picture: iStock 

I had a small disagreement with my mother-in-law over the summer about the children’s bedtimes — she believes we are far too lax. She hasn’t spoken to me since. My husband tried to act as a peacemaker but she wouldn’t budge, saying she was too upset by my rude behaviour. Our relationship has never been easy but, up until now, we have found a way to rub along together. Also, she used to help us with babysitting but this is no longer on offer. How can I mend the rift between us?

Your mother-in-law’s reaction implies that this wasn’t such a small disagreement from her perspective. Perspective is crucial in any disagreement.

I am not saying that you are wrong (or, indeed, that she is), but it could help if you did an experiment where you reflect on the disagreement from her perspective only. This means you sit and retell what happened as if you were your mother-in-law, imagining how she would tell the story. The goal here is to immerse yourself in her perspective to better understand why she is so offended and upset.

It is clear that you want to repair this rupture between you. If the relationship matters more to you than being right, and you want it to be stronger than this row, perhaps it’s time to mend it.

I suggest you tell her that you’d like to drop in for a chat and ask what time suits her. When you meet, reflect on what happened using only “I” statements. “I am sad that a disagreement between us has gone this far. I would never want to offend you. I felt judged about the children’s bedtimes, and I became defensive in how I responded. I have clearly caused you offence, and I deeply regret that. I would like to start over and get back to where our relationship was”.

At no point do you blame her or hold her accountable (her accountability is her own responsibility); you are owning your part in this and seeking to move forward. She may or may not respond to your efforts in the moment; you cannot predict or control that. Once you have said what you came to say, add that you hope you and she can recover the relationship you had.

If she rejects your efforts to repair your relationship, you must step back and respect her boundaries. It’s possible she finds it difficult to work through a disagreement or tends to hold grudges longer than is warranted.

You cannot force her to reconcile with you, and trying to do so will only cause more damage. Instead, keep the door of communication open, telling her you would like to work through this when she feels ready.

Your relationship sounded a little tense to begin with, so perhaps this row has exposed a fracture that has been lying there for a long time. This means that work is needed to rebuild trust and strengthen the connection between you, which is unlikely to make you best friends (you never were) but could result in a connection built on mutual respect.

Don’t keep pushing to manage your mother-in-law’s reaction; rather, shift your energies towards managing your own emotional reserves by engaging in your preferred activities, meeting friends, and having fun to recharge yourself.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail] or use the form below