Michael Moynihan: 100 reasons for breaking the red light

It's back to school time, and with that, every driver in Cork has a different reason for breaking the red light. Here are some of them

The breaking of the red light is as sacred a ritual on the streets of Cork as the running of the bulls in Pamplona.

The schools are back, which means the traffic is back, and that means an explosion in the frequency of one particular phenomenon.

The breaking of the red light, as sacred a ritual on the streets of Cork as the running of the bulls in Pamplona. Every traffic light in the city is a witness to the phenomenon: the red light flashes on, the green man appears, the pedestrian starts to cross — and zoom: someone drives through, long after they have any right to, and to hell with the consequences.

If you’re as unimpressed as I am with this carry-on, here’s one option. Cork City Council is carrying out a speed limit review which includes proposals for 30 km/h speed limits in residential and other areas, along with other changes to speed limits across the wider city road network.

(To view the proposals and an interactive map, and to make a submission, see consult.corkcity.ie — the consultation closes at 5pm on Monday, September 21).

However, all the submissions in the world won’t explain this tendency. You’d have to wonder about the mindset involved here, which is why I asked the guards for a look at the excuses they get from people caught trying to kill others by breaking the red light.

I was late for the school, and they have a new policy where they launch the junior infants out of a cannon if you’re not there to collect them.

I thought I might be able to catch one of the EU presidency events which were held in Cork. I was really,  really interested in the discussion of new entrants’ requirements around financial oversight.

My dog told me it was okay to break the red on Thursdays.

My cat told me my dog was right but only on Fridays. The goldfish says they’re both members of a global conspiracy, but he’s a nutcase.

I’m a colour primacy denialist. I don’t recognise red as having any more value than any other colour.

I was distracted by the podcast bros I had on in the car. They said only betas respected the rules of the road.

Someone texted me to say the scones were nearly gone from Gusto, then I was heading for Salt, and sure look you know yourself.

The sun was distracting me; I thought the heatwave had come back and I was trying to get into the shade.

I go to work every day, but you have the Tuesday-Wednesday-Thursday crowd then swanning along and holding everyone up when they can be bothered to crawl out of the scratcher, and we all have to be late for work because of them. And something else while I have you ...

The one on the radio kept wanging on about the Traitors. Surely those are extenuating circumstances?

How could I stop? The clown behind me was close enough to land into my back seat if I braked. I know he doesn’t stop at the red light because I followed him through the last three mornings.

I thought for a second a few of the Mayo players were behind me. Then I was thinking how would they have gotten down here from Electric Picnic but it was too late by then. I’ve had enough of them now, to be honest.

I was just in a hurry to show some solidarity with the lads in CUH; you know, with all the criticism from the minister the last couple of weeks.

The young fella down the road threw a stone at our dog the other night. I was just going through the red to give him a close pass. Bit of a fright, like.

Can I put it down to AI?

I had 9 to 5 up to max on the Bluetooth and was bopping along to it, what can I tell you? It really smacks. On reflection I suppose I Will Always Love You would have kept me under the speed limit.

There was only espresso in the coffee pot this morning. Blame himself, I told him not to get the strong stuff but is there any talking to him? No. So after two cups I’m miles ahead of myself.

Look, I’m going to be honest with you. A buddy of mine texted that Boelo was one of the new storm names from Met Éireann and I had to talk him down. I thought I’d just made it through on the amber.

I heard Trump was going to buy Fota, so obviously I wanted to get down for a quick nine holes. You understand that, right?

This is my sister’s car. I don’t think she gets it serviced regularly, to be honest. Or vacuumed. That smell — is it McNuggets? I hope it’s McNuggets.

See, you don’t understand. If you can beat the light here, at this crossing, then the others all line up across town, and then you can get onto the Mallow Road in four minutes. Four minutes!

Did you see the match last night? Need I say any more?

My arch-nemesis at work put something up on LinkedIn and I had a look when I got the notification. I know, I know, it’s all wrong, I shouldn’t have. He was just ‘delighted to share’ he was changing his laptop. It was too much to hope for that he was actually leaving.

I was switching out the blue M&Ms because I don’t like them. Sorry I missed the light changing.

I switched from New Balance to Hokas, and to be honest I’m a little heavy on the pedals ever since. You’d think that I’d be used to the thick soles from the New Balance, but I find the Hokas a small bit challenging in terms of judging pressure, so I rolled through when I meant to stop, honestly. Now, with the Pumas I never really had that problem, and the Brooks were a dream, but ever since . ..

Did you check the lights? I think they’re broken.

It’s the furry dice. She likes them on the mirror. I don’t. In fact, I wanted to burn them in the fire at home but we had a big argument over it and now I’m in the doghouse. I was looking at them as we approached the lights and in my mind I saw them on fire. So it’s all their fault.

Everyone else is doing this. Everyone. Literally. But you stopped me? This is victimisation, this is. Look, look, they’re going through the red even as you’re giving out to me, but I’m the one being stopped? Victimisation.

What's your view on this issue?

You can tell us here

Do I know you? I do, don’t I? You were at Seanie’s table at the wedding, I knew that. How did you get on the next day? I was bate myself, but I got along in the afternoon at least. Some crack!

Yes, as a matter of fact. I  am going to a fire.

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