I am surrounded by idiots, swimming in a sea of morons, stuck in a swamp of complete and utter dopes. Welcome to America.

You see a lot of things in West Hollywood. Today, for example, I saw a hefty, blimp-shaped man wearing nothing but a long brown wig and pink thong bikini while cycling his bicycle. 

HOW long until this person goes crazy on me? is a fun game I like to play in Los Angeles.

So, great news: I’m being evicted. Nice. Got an eviction notice yesterday from my landlord. 

So there I was, Sunday night, somewhere in the Hollywood Hills, about three in the morn, drunk as a skunk, debating whether or not to jump out of this moving car.

Ahead of his new column in Weekend, Mark Hayes, the Corkman-turned-LA- local who hangs out with Robbie Williams, puts together a handy how-to guide on what to do when you meet a celebrity.

There’s nothing like an insider’s guide to a city. Enter Mark Hayes, the Cork man who moved to LA and ended up hanging out with everyone from Robbie Williams to Robert Sheehan.

Mark Hayes is hot and bothered in LA as the pressure mounts to get his body perfect for the beach.

When he moved to LA and made it big, hanging out with the likes of Robbie Williams, Mark Hayes expected a bit of begrudgery back home. But on his last visit to Cork, it was like a different city...

IMAGINE you are a fish, swimming in an ocean filled to the brim with other fish who are a lot like you but better in many ways. And instead of not wanting to be caught, you, the fish, are desperate to be reeled in by the fisherman.