Buzz not begrudgery as Hayes returns to the homeland

When he moved to LA and made it big, hanging out with the likes of Robbie Williams, Mark Hayes expected a bit of begrudgery back home. But on his last visit to Cork, it was like a different city...

FORGIVE me Father, for I have sinned. It has been almost two years now since my last visit to Ireland. And you know what, a lot has changed.

At the start of 2012 I came back from LA to be the best man at my brother Darren’s wedding. I dominated the entire wedding with my amazing speech that included birdcalls and owl noises. Trust me. It was mighty. Since then I’ve been out of Ireland for work, mostly in LA but also around Europe, other parts of America, and the odd private island in the Caribbean. It’s been tough/unreal.

Felt a bit of pressure from the parents to come home for a visit though. Two years is long. So I headed back to Cork just before Christmas 2013 for a quick pop in. Stick my head in the door and see how she’s been? Evidently, not too bad.

The last time I was home a lot of people I met seemed to be — how do I phrase this — miserable? Not sure why but a lot felt the urge to tell me how big a muppet they thought I was. How I thought I was cool, off in LA. How I wasn’t really that funny. How my speech wasn’t that great. How they didn’t really like my books. You know, typical wedding small talk really.

This time, though, people seemed far more buoyant. Less miserable. There was definitely hope in the air as I strolled around the streets of Cork city. People didn’t seem to be scowling as much. Not too many folk started off conversations talking about politicians or the economy. Normal conversations, actually a good laugh. Banter, something they don’t have here in LA. Even had a few people come up saying they’re fans of whatever it is I do. (Obviously they were drunk.)

Mark at his brother’s wedding, the reason for his return home at Christmas.

I noticed the streets and shops were a lot busier than last time I was home. Called into GQ and Brown Thomas — both still felt as classy as ever. People were actually out shopping as well. Laughing. Pep in their step. Compared to last time, when everyone looked like they were eating glass and ready to stab me for having a tan that didn’t come from a bottle.

Of course there was the obvious turnover of businesses, restaurants and clothes shops around town. I’m still a bit shocked that Bully’s in Douglas is no longer with us though, I thought that place was a goldmine and an institution. Which is why you should always come to me for financial advice.

Out at night the bars seemed far livelier and more fun than the last time I was back. Started off going to The Castle on North Main Street. As small and rammed as ever, reminded me of my college days. Went to a new bar up the street after that which was rocking, full to the brim. The pubs in LA aren’t great so nice change to be back in fun ones. Headed along to Havana Browns afterwards. I used to go to the Classic Club all the time before but apparently that’s gone now. Havanas it had to be. Hasn’t changed in the slightest in fairness. Still packed full of people drinking vodka, Jager and Red Bull, all smelling slightly of fake tan, both guys and girls. Good laugh.

Another reason I went home was to refresh my memory of where I grew up. Just finished a new book called PreDumb: Before I Came to LA so wanted to see if anything new popped in my head before the final edit. Called into Dunnes Stores in Douglas Shopping Centre where I used to work when I was about 15, stacking shelves and dodging work. Saw some people who worked there when I did, still stacking the same shelves. Looked like they were even wearing the same faded uniform. At least they looked happy.

Noticed how Irish everything is, almost felt like an American seeing some stuff. Like the fruit and veg shop with the sign “Best Potatoes in Cork!” or the buskers with the tin whistle and the fiddle. Caught myself saying “Wow, that’s awesome!” as I filmed them playing a jig!.

For some reason I decided to go to Bunratty Castle. Americans always ask me if I’ve ever gone to a banquet at a castle before. Didn’t even know you could do such a thing. So, I put on my tourist hat and went along for a banquet, and, you know what, it was unreal. In a castle with all these people dressed up as lords and ladies, wearing traditional clothes, speaking in lyrical lilts, singing Irish songs, playing traditional music while they plough mead and turkey legs into you? How could it not be unreal!? Myself and all the other American tourists loved it. Although I did insist my family address me as King Mark from now on. (They didn’t.)

The Bunratty Castle banquet. Pic: Press 22

Also headed up to Dublin for a couple of nights. Never really a big fan of Dublin. I could never pull there, not too sure why. After this quick trip I’m still not a fan, so no change there. I think Dublin is the worst place ever to be hungover. Everything is so grey, from the paths to people’s faces to the buildings and the sky. Even the streets seem sad, all cobbled and broken. As usual it started raining as I strolled around. I always lose hope when I’m in Dublin, no matter how nice the Guinness is there.

My parents are still mighty, in case you’re wondering. Although I have slipped down their pecking order seeing as I now have a new niece. I am an uncle, another change. Anna is her name and she is the greatest. Some smile. I am fully aware that Anna is here to replace me though. My parents’ attention is now solely on her. So that’s great.

As was the first time I held Anna aloft over my head like Simba in The Lion King. She smiled down at me then drooled a blob of spit right into my mouth. Everyone laughed and thought it was hilarious, a lovely moment between us. I pretended to say the same and smile along but really it was mank. Whereas a year ago I might have drooled back on top of her head, I decided not to retaliate. So perhaps I too have changed.