Mark Hayes: Party on people, it’s Oscar night

Want to crash an Oscars party? Our Corkman in Los Angeles, Mark Hayes has all you need to know.

Everyone (nobody) always (never) asks me every year (I have no friends): “Hey Marky boy, Mark, hey Mark, if I was to go to LA for the Oscars, where’s good to go? Before, during, after, where are the paaarties? Where’s hip? You’re hip, Marky boy, aren’t you, hip to the t-bone?”

Well, I tell myself, I am quite hip (I am on Snapchat after all, like all the cool kids, @trickaduu, hit me up), however, I actually don’t have a clue where’s good to go for the Oscars.

“Well you’re useless,” they reply.

“Alright calm down,” I tell them (me?), somehow losing this conversation in my head, I do know some places but I’ll go find out more. Which is why I spent this week sussing, snooping and creeping around, asking people in LA: “Where’s eh, where’s good to go for the Oscars?”

And now I know. So I can be your tour guide for the day.

First things first, I’m going to assume if you’re reading this you’re a loser. Hear me out, you’ll agree it’s fair.

You’re also probably not a contender. All of which means you’re not talented. (But at least you can read so fair play with that.)

Being a loser is OK though, the fact I’m writing this means I’m also one (for now) who’s not talented enough (yet) to win or have won an Oscar or even be in contention for one (lack of being in or working on an Oscar-nominated movie would prohibit this for both of us).

What I’m saying, dear reader, is that you and I are in the same boat:

We won’t be getting invites to the actual Oscars itself.

Dose. I know.

And as you well know if you’re not winning, you’re losing. Hence, we are already Oscar losers.

Off to a bad start, tut.

Not to worry though, we’ll make the most of it. Please God.

At least we can relax now. No need to feel the pressure of wondering if you’re going to be a winner or a loser just narrowly missing out.

Imagine poor Leo every year, poor man. At least he has all those millions and a bevvy of supermodels to console him, so that’s nice. (Still though, as of now he’s a loser like us.)

So what do you do on Oscars day, I hear you ask? Well, first of all you have to get ready. Got to be looking your best for the occasion. Hair, make-up, all that crap. Time to get it sorted (this goes for both men and women on the big O-day).

The in-thing now in LA is to go to places called Blow Dry Bars. Surprisingly not what you might think, mind out of the gutter.

These are salons that can be found scattered along Sunset Boulevard in West Hollywood.

For the measly, meagre sum of $80 (€71) you can get your hair brushed and blow dried by a professional blow dry artist (not sure if this is their actual term).

Seems a tad costly, especially as they don’t wash or cut your hair. They just blow dry your already dry hair and brush it around. Never really been myself.

I had my hair blow dried and styled once by a hairdresser back in Cork when I was twenty years old and it’s haunted me ever since.

Anyway, I digress. You go get the blow dry, I’ll wait outside.

OK, cool, you’re looking well. Next, make up. This can take a couple of hours so I’ll get something to eat.

Women in LA usually have professional make-up artists come over to their house to contour, pluck, print, cake and buffer before they go out on a normal night, so I imagine Oscars night will be the same.

It’s great, 22 year olds now look like 40 year olds (in the wrong light) and 40 year olds pass for 22 (in the right light) so who knows what’s going on.

I’ll just lather myself in moisturiser to look nice and shiny for any photos we take and we’re good to go.

Main event is on at The Dolby Theater in Hollywood. That’s going to be mental to get into or even near so we’re going to skip it.

There’s a slight chance you could be asked as a date of someone who was nominated or a rich person who’s paid a lot to be there or someone who is part of the Oscar Academy but let’s assume you and I are not quite connected, beautiful or an old rich white person so instead we’re just going to have to accept, we’re not going to the main event.

Let’s hope someone in West Hollywood is having a black-tie viewing party at their humble abode, where everyone will gather and sit on a couch and try to forget about the fact that for this night anyway, we’re all losers bar a few select trophy winners.

Now that the main event is over, let’s try to go to the main after party. This is the Vanity Fair Party usually held at Sunset Tower Hotel (might be a new venue this year).

Never actually been in Sunset Tower until last Saturday when I had a lunch meeting.

Always walk by but never went in, but oh, I’ll be going back again, this place is very classy. I can see why the after party is here.

Lovely restaurant with high ceilings, polished wooden floors, oak walls, dark mahogany bar, cream couches, tables and nooks and big glass French doors that open out to dining tables and chairs on a white marble patio with steps down to a glistening pool with lights dancing off the surface, all surrounded by manicured green bushes and bright blooming purple flowers and an unreal panoramic view of all of LA which I was enjoying immensely as I waited for my lunch meeting with the legend (watch your toes, name drop) Richard Lewis only to realise I was in the wrong place completely (we were meeting in a deli about 20 minutes away) which was a pity as (watch your toes again) George Clooney had just entered to dine at Sunset Towers but I couldn’t stay to chat as I was now 20 minutes late for my meeting and didn’t have my phone because I lost it the night before and a Russian taxi driver was holding out for more money before he would return/sell it back to me but that’s another story and what I’m trying to say is that the Vanity Fair Party will probably be unreal and filled to the brim with all your favourite celebrities mingling in a beautiful venue but we won’t be there because we’re losers, remember, so now we’ve to try and find a plan B.

Dose.

We could try somewhere like the Weinstein after party run by Harvey Weinstein. Owns the Weinstein Company that produces movies like The Hateful Eight and loads more that win Oscars. Could be tough to sneak in.

My buddy Zen does DJ the after party but I haven’t seen him in years so now he’s more an acquaintance and I’ve lost my phone and changed my number so many times people don’t know who I am when I text so they ask “Who’s this?” and it takes me three or four texts to fill them in which is embarrassing so I don’t think we’ll go there.

Elton John’s viewing party at the Pacific Design Center in West Hollywood is a good one but tickets are $6000 each so, eh, unless you’re paying, let’s go with the old reliable: The Irish Film Board Oscars party.

I went once a few years ago, on in an Irish bar (surprisingly) in Hollywood. Almost came home with an Oscar that night. Would’ve been great.

What happened was I showed up solo to the party after doing some googling, that one year I tried to go out and have an Oscar night before I felt like a loser and stopped.

Anyway, showed up on my tod about 11pm. Right as I was walking in I saw two distinctly Irish heads walk in at the same time. Double doors, so they held one open for me. Cheers lads.

In I walk, right as I do, bar erupts in applause. Huh, what? For me? How do these people know I’m a legend?

Who cares, my brain tells me, you’re being recognised for your talents, enjoy!

So I threw my hands up cheering and punched the air only to realise everyone was looking slightly past me. Oh right.

They’re cheering the two guys behind who held the door. One of them is holding an Oscar in his hand. Won it for animation on Avatar or something.

Put your hands down, you fool, my brain tells me. As I do a big wave of people come at the guy with the Oscar to congratulate him.

He looks at me smiling, passing the Oscar for a look, like a captain showing off a trophy. The crowd keeps heaving. And the next minute I’m out on the street, holding a winning Oscar.

Time froze: Should I take this Oscar and run down Hollywood Boulevard in a victory sprint showing everyone my winning Oscar and keep on running back to West Hollywood and show up at the Vanity Fair Party with Oscar aloft and everyone sees me and smiles and cheers and carries me into the winner’s circle where I’m being crowd surfed around by Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise and Tom Selleck and so many Toms.

I wonder which famous A-list actress is going to make a move and should I go see where Scarlett Johansson is hanging out?

Or… Should I just walk back inside to the pub and hand the Oscar back?

Before I could decide the door was opened and Oscar was grabbed back off me, by an angry looking Irish man.

So that was a pity. But, hopefully, they won’t remember me from that little incident so we can go to the Irish Oscar party at least and hope it’s fun and that some Irish person wins so everyone else can take a photo with the Oscar.

If not, we can head back to Sunset Marquis in West Hollywood, the cool boutique hotel where all the rockstars stay and hang out.

After the Irish party that one time I went back afterwards for a look and bumped into Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin at the bar, so that was nice. Three non-winners, all having fun. Oscar on!