Hollywood Hayes: Adventures of a Corkman in LA

I am surrounded by idiots, swimming in a sea of morons, stuck in a swamp of complete and utter dopes. Welcome to America.

More specifically, welcome to driving in LA.

Nobody walks. Except for hookers, homeless people and me.

Everyone drives. And yet, they’ve no idea how to.

Always see drink driving ads here but the truth is driving on its own is the bigger problem. Up there with gun control and obesity.

How these people are allowed out of the house never mind behind the wheel of a car is beyond me.

Swerving lane to lane, like Bambi on ice. Beeping horns for a minute straight just because they’re stuck in traffic and think they’re more special than everyone else.

Guys who drive BMWs are the worst.

I’ve yet to see one driving a convertible and not thought, ‘Prick’. Probably jealous that he has a nicer car but still, they drive like pricks.

Worst offence is people not using their indicators, turn signals as they call them here. As if they’re offended and afraid to use them.

People suddenly going right at high speeds – JUST USE YOUR INDICATOR – others holding up traffic to do a U-turn on a one-way street — these people drive me insane.

I loathe them. I really, really do. Mostly because they turn me into an idiot. Sitting in my car screaming INDICATE, INDICATE, IN-DI-CAAAAAAATE!

Few theories why they don’t use indicators: First, they all grew up in hick towns and only drove tractors in straight lines across fields and never learnt how to flick up or down. Weak theory.

Second is that they’re just too dumb to even know what they’re meant to be doing and what’s an indicator anyway? Stronger possibility.

Third is that they’re all just lazy muppets. I blame the fact they all drive manual cars. It’s like driving a bumper car. Put your foot on the accelerator, good to go.

Never have to take your hands off the wheel to change gears or turn on lights or flick the indicator on, it’s all automatically done for you. Bar the INDICATOR, YOU SHOWER OF LAZY PLUGS!

That’s my theory at least.

Dangerous to drive, dangerous to walk. Today I was clipped by the wing mirror of a car that flew out of a driveway.

Turns out it was a priest and he guilt tripped me into letting it go. Nice, Father Pat.

Another time I was clipped by an obese, plastic surgery botched Beverly Hills housewife woman driving a big fat white SUV. It was only in a car park so she was driving slowly but still.

This sloth behind the wheel was holding a cup of coffee, texting on her iPhone and had a donut in her mouth. Must’ve been steering with her knees. Also still managed to beep her horn aggressively at me using her chin. Fine creature, in fairness.

Amazes me too how angry these drivers get, even when they’re in the wrong. Road rage is ridiculous. I think it’s because everyone in LA is frustrated.

Actors, agents, writers, models, realtors, comedians, all being rejected on a daily basis and, in turn, driving around taking out their dumb frustration on great drivers like myself (you should see my parallel parking, it’ll take your breath away).

I used to laugh at these angry road-roid rage heads. Reminded me of my buddy back in Cork, Nancy. Nancy used to pick me up in Rochestown and drive us to UCC when we took a couple of classes together.

“Look, look, look at this one up ahead DON’T YOU DARE DO IT, DON’T YOU DARE, DON’T YOU!!!!” Honk honk, HONK HONK!

I’d be in tears laughing. Except when we drive past the car (that actually wasn’t doing anything wrong at all, Nancy was just mental) and see that it was an old nun pottering along.

I’d purposely change whatever song was on the CD player just to trigger it some more (it was always either Boys II Men or The Wolftones, odd selection).

Nancy would cap off this fine road rage performance by flinging the CD out of his window while we zipped along the link road.

“STUPID MUSIC - JESUS CHRIST WHAT IT THIS FELLA DOING UP ABOVE.”

Those drives used to be the best part of my day.

Except now, as I drive around LA calling people plugs, plonkers and eejits (I don’t usually curse but by golly they get me riled up) I realise I have become Nancy.

Just another angry driver, slowly but surely, losing his mind, yelling: IN-DI-CAAAAAATEEEEE!

Mark Hayes is a comedian and author of three books including RanDumb, which was #1 on Amazon Humour. He can be found on Twitter @trickaduu and on markhayes.tv.