Joanna Fortune: My partner and I have very different approaches to parenting

My partner lets our school children make their own mistakes, while I am more protective. Now our children are playing us off each other

The greatest gift you will give your children is to visibly, audibly show respect for their other parent. Picture: iStock 

My partner and I have two very different approaches to parenting. His default position is to step back and let them make their own mistakes. I tend to be more protective and anticipate what might go wrong. Our children are in primary school, so they are still very dependent on us. I’ve tried to ignore the difference but the children have cottoned on and started playing us off each other, which is leading to rows. What would you suggest?

This isn’t about which of you is right or wrong — it is about the fact that you are parenting on different pages, which causes confusion and drives the splitting you’re seeing.

Try to use the following discussion framework to avoid the tensions that are sparking. 

If one of you says something that the other doesn’t agree with about family life (education, religion, culture, extracurricular activities, or friends), the other will catch it and say: “I need a moment with that, it’s not sitting well with me. Let’s pause this conversation and come back to it at Xpm when we have the time and space to think and talk about it”.

Then do just that: Sit and speak, using ‘I’ statements — I think, I believe, I know, I worry that, etc.

Should the conversation become heated, decide who will speak first (flip a coin) and agree that each of you gets five uninterrupted minutes on the matter. Note where you are aligned and misaligned. Acknowledge the difference between what is a ‘preference’ and ‘essential’. 

For example, your preference might be no shoes allowed on the sofa; an essential is the child must take their asthma inhalers at set times each day. Be prepared to compromise on your preferences and name your essentials.

State what you know (fact), what you believe (grew up with), and what you fear (why is it an issue for you). 

Reflect back to each other what you have heard as each other’s beliefs and fears so that you can consider it from their perspective. This can help reduce heightened tension and increase acceptance and empathy.

If the issue is too big and emotive to resolve in one sitting, park it after an hour and agree to revisit it. Try to watch a TV show or have a cup of tea and general chat afterwards to focus on your connection with each other.

For trigger issues such as homework, discipline, bedtimes, family, and mealtimes, identify the key points you agree on to help you work out your shared message for the children. 

Decide that when one does or says something out of line with what you’ve agreed on, you give a non-verbal signal that means you will set aside time later to discuss it calmly. Be playful with this where possible — make the nonverbal signal funny. You are agreeing to have those disagreements in private and not in front of the children.

Find areas of parenting that you are strongly aligned on — play is really important; the children should engage in hobbies they enjoy; they need to take their medication — and work to find one key point in each area you agree on, even if you are not fully in agreement on the issue. 

Agree to have each other’s backs in this parenting gig.

The greatest gift you will give your children is to visibly, audibly show respect for their other parent. Take time for yourself, for each other, as it is the best way to build lasting structure in your family relationships.

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