Joanna Fortune: My teenager is consumed by a holiday romance

My teenage daughter has returned from holiday with extra (emotional) baggage

Dr Joanna Fortune: Teenage love is real and deep, especially when it’s a first love

My teenage daughter fell madly in love with a French boy while we were on holidays. She has been miserable since we came home and is constantly texting him. I’m getting the impression that he’s not as interested in her, because he sometimes waits days before texting back. How can I support her through this very intense and emotional time?

It’s normal for a teenager to feel all-consumed by a holiday romance. Holidays, by definition, offer a break from everyday stresses, demands, and realities, which can intensify the emotional connection in a short space of time.

Teenage love is real and deep, especially when it’s a first love. Just as when adults fall in love, the neurochemicals dopamine and oxytocin are released. So, even when the connection was brief or the likelihood of them seeing each other again slim, you need to validate her feelings without minimising the experience as ‘just’ a crush or ‘just’ a holiday romance.

Take the situation as seriously as she does and avoid any comments that could be perceived as minimising or even mocking. By validating her feelings, you want to avoid a rush to reassure her that she will meet someone else or fall in love many times as she grows up. Now is not the time for such reassurance.

You can support her in many practical ways. You can empathise and nurture. For example, get her out to the cinema with you or even just sit together on the sofa, with snacks, and watch a movie of her choosing. Paint her nails. It is a great way to offer touch: You start with a basin of warm, soapy water to wash her hands, dry them in a soft towel, and apply polish, which can dry as she rests her hands on your lap. Follow up with cuticle oil and lotion. This kind of sensory-rich activity soothes and helps to anchor her in present-moment awareness in her body.

When feelings run high like this, and she is relying on her phone to feel connected to this boy, you will need to discuss digital boundaries, especially as he is slow to respond, which may render her even more hyper-aware of her phone as she waits in anticipation of a response.

To avoid her feeling ‘always on’, establish some ground rules, such as no phone in her bedroom at night. Encourage her to leave her phone at home and go outside for a walk with you.

The strong feelings experienced in a first love can be all-consuming, so ensure that she maintains her interests and connections with friends. Staying active and busy are important for her. Time with her friends could be exactly the distraction she needs, and she may enjoy inviting some friends over to your home for pizza, movies, and time together having fun.

Your daughter is missing the connection she had with this boy and may well feel disappointed at how the intensity hasn’t sustained since she came home.

Listen and validate without feeling the need to jump in and fix or explain her feelings. Let her vent and cry without immediately offering platitudes or solutions.

She will find her way through this challenging time with your support.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]