Joanna Fortune: My teenage son and husband seem to be drifting apart  

My husband is a big sports fan but my son couldn't care less so they miss out on the bonding opportunity of watching a game or going to matches

Shared joy encourages children to pursue other connections where they feel valued and enjoyed. In your son’s case, it starts with becoming more interested in what he finds interesting. Picture: iStock 

My husband is a big fan of soccer and sports, but my teenage son couldn’t care less. It’s a pity, as watching a game or going to matches could be a good bonding opportunity. They were close when my son was very young, but now they seem to be drifting apart. Is there anything I can do to help reestablish their connection?

As our children grow and develop, they often pull away from their parents — they explore and discover their own identity through new tastes (in clothes, music, etc), interests, and friendships. To stay connected with them, the onus is on us as parents to become interested in what our teenagers care about. 

This teaches them that they are interesting people, which is also a good way to bolster self-esteem at a time when self-esteem is often under attack. But this must be led by their parents. 

Having a close connection with your parent should never depend on sharing that parent’s interests. Of course, sharing an interest makes it easier to spend time together engaged in that activity, but a relationship is about more than liking the same things.

In your letter, you mention what your husband likes, but you don’t mention your son’s interests. If it is music, could they go to a gig together or perhaps your husband can start by playing the band’s music in the car when they are together? 

If it’s gaming, perhaps your husband can ask your son to teach him about the game, and they can spend some time playing together. If it is film or theatre, he could book a show for them to see together.

But more than these actions, he can start by showing a genuine interest in him and his life. Showing interest is not to be confused with being intrusive. We have to ensure we respect boundaries and their need for space and that they may not want to share everything in their lives with us.

This is about being open and curious about him, his life, his friends, what makes him laugh and the best way to do this is by listening, more than asking questions. 

Your husband can become creative about how he takes opportunities to spend (low-demand, low-intensity) time with your son by simply having his preferred snack or favourite music in the car when they are driving somewhere. 

This gesture communicates a clear message to your son that his dad knows him and is invested in him. Sending funny memes or links to articles or videos that would interest your son is another way to do this.

Taking those drive-time opportunities to share a moment of meeting (a brief but true connection) by offering to drop him off or collect him from somewhere is a great place to start. 

Beyond this, I encourage any parent of a teenager to seek opportunities to step into their world by offering to do something they enjoy together, even when we do not enjoy that activity or would rather do something else.

The parent-child relationship comes under pressure during adolescence when they start to pull away from us and prioritise the outside world and time with their friends. But they still need us, and we can still ensure we have opportunities to enjoy each other. 

Shared joy encourages children to pursue other connections where they feel valued and enjoyed. In your son’s case, it starts with becoming more interested in what he finds interesting.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, send it to [e-mail].