Joanna Fortune: I'm at breaking point following arrival of my third child

You feel overwhelmed because this is an overwhelming time but putting a plan in place to get help from your husband or friends could make a big difference

Demanding situations don’t just get easier on their own — they become easier because we put systems in place that help ease the overwhelm. Picture: iStock

I have three children aged five, three, and three months. My husband went back to his very busy job when the baby was two weeks old. I just about manage when the older two are at school and playschool, but I’m drowning when they are all at home during the day. I am breastfeeding, which means I’m tied to the baby, who seems hungry all the time. I know things will get better in time, but there are times when I feel that I am at a breaking point. I don’t have family living nearby, which isn’t helping.

I can feel the weight of the mental load you are carrying. While I agree that, in time, things will likely become easier to manage, that doesn’t change the fact you are in the trenches right now.

The so-called “fourth trimester” is the first 12 weeks post-partum, and this is a period of intense dependence where your newborn sees you both as one and the same. This is the period of (very) gradual hormone stabilisation, physical healing and recovery after giving birth, all while adjusting to this utterly dependent newborn.

You are juggling all of this while caring for two other young children, who also rely on you to meet their daily needs. You feel overwhelmed because this is an overwhelming time.

I appreciate your husband has a busy job outside the home, and you have a very busy job inside the home. However, when he is at home, you need to tag him in so you can step out and catch your breath. If he can do bedtime and give you time alone with the baby in the sitting room, that will give you a brief breather.

Again, at weekends, ensuring you get a break and time to be with the baby, but also time to be alone while they all go outdoors for a long walk together, is essential to your physical and mental wellbeing.

You mention you do not have family nearby. I wonder if you have friends around you you can lean on and ask to help you out by taking one of the boys for a playdate for a couple of hours while you catch up with yourself? Our tribe isn’t always our family — it can be the community we build around us, made up of friends who understand what we are dealing with.

I suggest you set aside time some evening, when the children are in bed, to speak with your husband about how you are feeling and explore what additional supports you can manage between the two of you. 

Perhaps a cleaner could come help around the house for a few hours once a week, or you could order some catered family meals for the freezer, to alleviate some pressure around cooking and organising the house, for example.

College students will soon be on a break from school, as will secondary school students, and there may well be an older teenage student who would welcome some summer work opportunity to take your older two children outdoors for a few hours each day or a few days per week that would also help you out.

Demanding situations don’t just get easier on their own — they become easier because we put systems in place that help ease the overwhelm. It is not always easy (or affordable) to access support, so sit with your husband and draw up a plan to put something in place.

Even a small change could make a big difference right now.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]