Joanna Fortune: My teenager is refusing to talk to me after a big row

Your teenage daughter’s brain is developing in a particular way during early adolescence. The part of her brain associated with impulsivity, thrill-seeking, and reward-driven actions is developing quickly, while the part of her brain associated with reason, rational thought, and executive function — for example, weighing up the pros and cons of a situation or action — is grossly underdeveloped at this stage. Picture: iStock 

I had a huge row with my 13-year-old daughter last week about the state of her room. She never cleans it and leaves her laundry piled up on the floor. I lost my temper when the dog decided to urinate on her dirty clothes. She hasn’t spoken to me since. She won’t even eat the dinners I cook and is snacking instead. What can I do to break this impasse?

You mention that you lost your temper but you probably were simmering in frustration for a while leading up to this row.

When we react angrily, we lose access to the more reasonable, rational part of our brain and, instead, the brain’s emotional control centre governs our responses.

Also, your 13-year-old’s brain is developing in a particular way during early adolescence. The part of her brain associated with impulsivity, thrill-seeking, and reward-driven actions is developing quickly, while the part of her brain associated with reason, rational thought, and executive function — for example, weighing up the pros and cons of a situation or action — is grossly underdeveloped at this stage.

You flip and unleash an emotional onslaught of frustration about her messy bedroom. She feels you are blaming her for what the dog did and your reaction was disproportionate. 

She may also have got a fright when you snapped at her and now feels angry at you for making her feel that way. She lacks the emotional fluency to express all this emotion to you adequately, so she withdraws and shuts you out.

When a row causes a rupture in a relationship between our children and us, the parent is the only one responsible for initiating repair, regardless of who started it or whose fault it is. 

Initiating repair communicates that your relationship matters more to you than being right, and it’s stronger than this row.

Bring her a snack and a drink to her room, set them down, and leave. 

Return in a while to collect the plate and say something like: “I want to say that I’m sorry for losing my temper about your clothes on the floor. I was tired and frustrated and I yelled at you. I wish I hadn’t and, if I could rewind the clock, I would deal with it differently. I’d really like it if you would join us for a family dinner at the table later/tomorrow.”

At no point do you comment on how she hadn’t tidied her room, nor do you demand that she apologise for her part in this. You are taking responsibility for your part in the row. In doing so, you are modelling a healthy repair following rupture.

If she persists in refusing to join you, keep the doors of communication open without forcing or cajoling her. When she does reconnect, smile, offer a hug, and move forward. 

When things are calmer, do not reopen the row; simply leave a laundry basket in her room and let her know she can put it outside her door (or downstairs) when she wants her clothes washed. In doing so, you are offering a solution that also encourages independence and self-regulation without any big lecture.

Rows are part of all relationships, even and perhaps especially healthy relationships. What matters is how we move through, repair and restore connection.

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]