Joanna Fortune: My teenage sons argue all the time

The most common issues teenage siblings clash over tend to be a lack of fairness (actual or perceived), a battle for personal space (this one is particularly relevant to your boys as they share a bedroom), and possessions (if they are taken without permission or treated with disrespect by the other). Picture: iStock 

My two teenage boys argue almost constantly, and whatever I say doesn’t seem to make a difference. The older one seems to take particular pleasure in annoying the younger one. It doesn’t help that they couldn’t be more different — one is sporty, while the other is into music. They have to share a bedroom as we’re tight for space. What would you suggest?

We want our children to get along and even become friends, but the reality is that each child has their own unique set of mannerisms, strengths, interests, and needs, and what they need from us parents is a more individualised response tailored to them.

The most common issues teenage siblings clash over tend to be a lack of fairness (actual or perceived), a battle for personal space (this one is particularly relevant to your boys as they share a bedroom), and possessions (if they are taken without permission or treated with disrespect by the other). 

Your role as a mediator is to gently (yet firmly) encourage them to negotiate their disagreements themselves, which will help strengthen their life skills in general.

Research shows us that in healthy relationships, we are only ever 'perfectly' in sync about 30% of the time. The rest of the time, we are in sync, out of sync, and getting back into sync. Getting back into sync is what matters most, and it is this ability to engage in relational repair following a rupture that affords us all the opportunity to continue growing and learning as people.

To nurture greater empathy towards each other, your role as a mediator is to offer opportunities to consider the world and situations from others’ perspectives.

Here’s a therapeutic intervention you could try: have them sit facing each other (they can sit on chairs a distance apart if easier). One of them will speak first and tell the story of what happened, but they must do so solely from the other person’s perspective. In other words, they can only talk about the row as they imagine their sibling would tell it. 

Then the other one gets their turn to do the same things. They cannot interrupt each other, and this cannot to be used as an opportunity to poke fun at the other. So wait until they have both calmed somewhat to avoid that passive aggression.

If you don’t feel they could manage this together, get them to do it separately with you... in the car or out for a walk — they must tell you what happened solely from their brother’s point of view. By encouraging them to take the other’s perspective, you are nurturing their capacity for empathy towards each other without saying who is right or wrong.

Support their separate lives and interests by spending time with them individually. Hold firm to clear boundaries around respect, and ensure no physical harm in your family. Encourage them to agree on a flexible schedule that ensures they each have solo time in their shared bedroom.

Family game nights encourage collaborative connections. By nurturing each of them individually, you are investing in the future of their relationship, helping it become mutually respectful, and enabling them to enjoy spending time together, even when they don’t share many interests.

If you have a question for child psychotherapist Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail].