Alex Ferguson is ready to party like its 1999 when Robin van Persie joins Manchester United.

HOW did we do last night, then? Not that it matters very much, I suppose: thanks to the rather fortunate win in Catalonia, this group appears to have gone into a coma, which prompted Messrs Fergie and Carrick pre-match to sound off about how “great” the Champions League still is in terms of excitement in its group stages.

SCHADENFREUDE is not, perhaps, the noblest of human emotions. Moreover, revelling in the tribulations of other clubs can be regarded as being a tad ‘small time’, if you overdo it.

I DON’T often get cause to mention it but I’ve always had a soft spot for Park, one of nature’s real triers who’s never caused the club the slightest bit of grief.

SO, the Prodigal Son returneth tonight and we haven’t even cooked the fatted calf.

EVEN a cynic like me couldn’t help but be stirred by the swirling display of anti-Glazer green and gold at Old Trafford on Saturday.

WHOEVER said United don’t occasionally do something for the common good? Before kick-off on Sunday, the ‘magic’ of the FA Cup third round had consisted solely of making thousands of fans disappear from their usual stadium places.

HERE’S an easy tip for you to spot a wrong one, Red-wise: did he burble to you on Saturday night about Ryan’s “100th Premiership goal”? If so, it’s as sure a mark of a clown as a bright red nose. (Erm, that’s not a dig at you, Fergie.)

ONE of my preferred Old Trafford pressmen is a Lancastrian working at the Daily Wail, who does a good line in world-weary ennui — which makes a nice counterpoint to that paper’s usual tone of quasi-fascist hysteria.

AH, the dilemma of the successful: who to laugh at first? Arsenal’s “11 babies”, as memorably skewered by ‘Potty’ Paddy Evra the other day – much to French team-mate Silvestre’s fury?

SO HERE we are again, at the dawn of one of those moments you rarely get more than once a season; a massive Old Trafford double-header, full of promise and weighted with silvery significance.

WATCHING Welbeck, Gibson and Evans had me humming ‘if the kids are United’ as of old. It was a record we used to enjoy at OT almost a generation before some of them were born.

REFEREEING decisions have been the dominant topic in much of European football for a fortnight, not least thanks to Michel Platini’s various amusing interventions.

THE first time I ever saw Ole in person was in the Players’ Bar at Old Trafford, after a match in which he had performed brilliantly and scored twice.

THERE’S always been a good Old Trafford indicator of how much a player is loved: music. Naturally, George was honoured by plenty of terrace songs - still is, in fact.

HOW many times will this be said throughout the season: where would Manchester United be without the key quartet of Keane, Nistelrooy, Scholes and Howard?

I’M sure the doctors treating Sir Alex Ferguson’s heart condition will have warned him to avoid too much stress and excitement, so how delightful that his next opponents were those masters of boredom, Aston Villa.