Joanna Fortune: My husband and I have different parenting styles - how do we work on this?

Joanna Fortune: "Work to find one key point you can agree upon, such as that you both love your son and want the best for him, even if you are not in full agreement on how to best handle a given issue. Decide to have each other’s backs as parents, no matter what."

My husband and I have different parenting styles. He loses his cool with our nine-year-old son, who has additional needs and finds it extremely difficult to regulate his emotions. 

He seems to be able to adjust his emotions in school, which leads me to believe it’s our home environment that’s the issue. If I don’t support my husband with his harsh approach, he starts an argument with me when I support our son when he’s upset and asks for a hug. 

My son gets hysterical when my husband speaks harshly and says, “Daddy doesn’t love me”. My gut tells me I’m right and my husband needs to address his anger issues.

Rather than saying which of you is right or wrong in this situation, I would like to address what sounds like a pattern within your relationship: parenting on different pages.

You don’t need to be in full agreement all of the time — it’s impossible — but if one of you says something the other of you disagrees with, catch it and say “Oh, wait, I need a moment with that, it’s not sitting well with me. Let’s pause and come back to it later when we have the time and space to really think and talk about it.”

When you do get to sit and speak, use “I” statements — I think, I believe, I know, I worry that.

It should be possible to discuss your different approaches to parenting as a conversation, but if it becomes heated, decide who will speak first (by flipping a coin) and agree that each of you will have five uninterrupted minutes on the matter. Note where you are aligned and where you are misaligned.

Acknowledge what is a parenting “preference” versus “essential” for you. For example, your preference might be that no shoes are allowed on the sofa, and an essential is that the child must take their asthma inhalers at set times each day. Be prepared to compromise on your preferences and to name your essentials.

The idea of creating a space for uncomfortable discussions isn’t to reach an agreement, but rather to foster greater understanding, and from that, to develop a plan that you are both as comfortable with as possible.

Children need boundaries and limits; it strengthens their emotional security. They also need comfort, nurture, and flexibility — a structure that bends without breaking.

They also need to know that their parents are working together. Otherwise, they quickly learn that they can split you into good cop/bad cop, creating unnecessary and avoidable power struggles. Further, it creates confusion and uncertainty for children, which in turn leads to anxiety or other stress-related responses.

Agree when one does or says something that goes against the negotiated parenting rules, a non-verbal signal should be used to indicate that you will set aside time to discuss it calmly. Be playful with this where you can, make the non-verbal signal a funny one. Resolve those disagreements privately, without involving your child.

Work to find one key point you can agree upon, such as that you both love your son and want the best for him, even if you are not in full agreement on how to best handle a given issue. Decide to have each other’s backs as parents, no matter what.

This episode of my podcast series may help: exa.mn/parenting-different-pages. 

• If you have a question for child psychotherapist Dr Joanna Fortune, please send it to [e-mail]