Sex File: The hot weather has ruined our sex life

Sex is obviously important, but not as essential as sleep, and when exhaustion becomes irritability you need to address the temperature in your bedroom. Picture: iStock 

Our sex life has really suffered so far this summer. We've both been too hot and bothered in bed to be intimate, and then short-tempered from lack of sleep (and/or sex). I'm surprised by how quickly the disconnect inside our bedroom has shown up outside it, and I'm worried it's doing damage to our relationship. What can we do?

Given the nature of our weather, it's possible that by the time this column is published you will be wearing a sweater and your problems will have resolved. According to the long-term forecast, however, temperatures are expected to trend above normal levels, so I will speak to the sunshine that I see outside and the issues you've been facing.

I am sure you're not the only ones who are having a sexual drought this summer. Sleep takes a hit in the heat, and sex invariably suffers too. It is hard enough controlling your body temperature without having someone else's sweaty body beside you making you feel even hotter.

Sex is obviously important, but not as essential as sleep, and when exhaustion becomes irritability you need to address the temperature in your bedroom. At night, core body temperature drops by 2-3 degrees to trigger the production of melatonin, which helps you to fall asleep. 

The ideal temperature for a bedroom is 18.3C — warmer than that makes it harder for your body temperature to drop naturally and harder to fall asleep. 

Better thermoregulation will improve emotional regulation, so start by making your bedroom cooler. A bucket of ice in front of your fan. Keeping your room dark during the day. A lukewarm shower before bed. Cotton sheets. Getting a good night's sleep will improve your mood and help you to feel less crotchety with each other.

I'd also note emotional intimacy doesn't have to involve sex. Holding hands and making each other laugh while you lie naked and helpless under an icy fan still makes for an intimate, connected and memorable experience.

Still, there are ways to make sex feel cooler too. Choosing positions that minimise close body contact can make a big difference. Now might be the time to try using a position where contact is confined to the essentials. 

You could even introduce cooling props. Putting an ice cube in your mouth can totally change the sensations. Moving a melting ice cube over warm skin can feel fantastic. If you are using sex toys, keeping them in the freezer has the dual benefit of cooling you down and heightening sensation.

You should aim to have sex at the coolest time of the day. Temperatures are lowest just before sunrise. This is also when your body temperature is at its lowest. This would require discipline of course — going to bed earlier and setting an alarm to have sex in the early hours — but the rewards are huge. 

Studies have shown having an orgasm helps you fall asleep faster, stay asleep longer and enjoy better quality sleep, even if you have a nap earlier in the day. Orgasm increases the level of oxytocin, making you feel more relaxed; endorphins calm the nervous system. 

A 6am orgasm will increase sexual and emotional intimacy and help you to achieve a deeper sleep that night — worth the early start, I'd say.

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