Sex File: I’m 25 and I’ve never had an orgasm

If your partner is aware of the issue and keen to help, try to solve this problem with him. Picture: iStock 

I'm in a happy, loving relationship with a man my age (25), but I've never had an orgasm. I enjoy being intimate with my boyfriend, and the fact that I have never climaxed doesn't bother him or me, but friends keep telling me I'm missing out. Are they right, or can some people simply be anorgasmic?

If you have never been able to orgasm, then you may be one of the small number of people who are anorgasmic. 

It's hard to get definitive statistics, but a 2005 study of 4,415 sexually active Danes aged 16-95 found that 6% of women were anorgasmic, and between 10% and 13% reported at least one sexual dysfunction. Interestingly, the highest frequency of female sexual difficulties occurred in women under the age of 30, like you.

Anorgasmia is classified in several ways. Primary or lifelong anorgasmia means a woman has never had an orgasm. Secondary or acquired anorgasmia means a woman was once able to orgasm but for some reason can no longer have one. 

Situational anorgasmia means a woman can reach orgasm only in specific situations, such as through oral sex.

Anorgasmia is often presumed to be psychological, but it can be caused by different factors — antidepressants, hormonal imbalances, chronic illnesses — and it obviously isn't helped by stress, anxiety, depression or sexual inhibition. 

However, if you have not experimented with masturbation, don't label yourself just yet.

You don't say whether you have been able to give yourself an orgasm, and that is an important piece of information. Most women discover their own orgasm through self-stimulation, but even if you have situational anorgasmia, you may be able to reach climax with your boyfriend. 

If he is aware of the issue and keen to help, try to solve this problem with him. Most men love a challenge — especially a sexy one — so dedicate time to exploring your response to touch and stimulation.

You need to approach this with openness and humour. It's meant to be fun, but if you feel self-conscious, it can help to wear a blindfold. Screening out visual distraction will help you to tune in to sensation and feel less inhibited. 

The idea is for your boyfriend to consciously build your level of arousal through touching your body and discovering your erogenous zones. It's not just about genital stimulation. 

For many women, their breasts, nipples, neck, earlobes, mouth and inner thighs are sensitive, but in the rush to orgasm, couples don't linger long enough on the build-up.

Slowing down to focus on sensation with no pressure to perform should allow you to experience your arousal in a different way.

As you get more excited, notice the changes you feel. When you experience these changes, your boyfriend should introduce direct clitoral stimulation, and at this point that should feel lovely.

You will need to be confident enough to direct him on pace and pressure. Give yourselves time and remember the aim is to enjoy the journey rather than the destination, although hopefully you will get there in the end.

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