Sex File: My orgasm has deserted me with my new partner

My new partner is much more passionate and dominant than my ex — what I always fantasised about — and I'd hate for us to be sexually incompatible.

To allow your body to temporarily override your brain, you need to do less thinking and more feeling. Encourage your partner to slow down and explore how your body responds to stimulation. Enjoy the journey rather than hyperfixating on the destination. Picture: iStock

Mon, 26 Oct, 2026 - 02:00

Suzi Godson

My ex was quite passive in bed, so I always took the lead and often relied on fantasies to climax. My new partner is much more passionate and dominant — what I always fantasised about — but my orgasm has deserted me. Everything else is so good. I'd hate for us to be sexually incompatible. How can I get things back on track?

I very much doubt you are sexually incompatible, but have you told your partner you are finding it difficult to reach orgasm? You may not want to, but being honest could take some of the pressure off and would set a precedent for sexual openness.

You can't actually solve this by yourself because it's not as if you can't orgasm — you can, you just haven't figured out how to get there with him.

You established a specific way of achieving orgasm with your ex. You took the lead and relied on familiar fantasies to guide you to a predictable outcome. It worked because your ex was very passive. The trouble with relying on specific techniques to get to orgasm is that you end up training your body to respond to certain stimuli and when you then try something new and it doesn't automatically generate an orgasm, it can feel very confusing.

Your new relationship sounds much more challenging in a good way, but navigating a different sexual landscape with a much more dominant partner means you are no longer in charge. It's a big change and there is so much going on during sex that your old strategies are not working.

It sounds trite, but please try not to stress about it. Orgasm can be a very shy creature, and the more you worry about it, the less likely it is to make an appearance.

Biologically, orgasm is an autonomic reflex that occurs when sensory stimulation builds to a critical threshold where it overrides conscious decision-making. People used to think the brain shut down during orgasm, but we now know it does the opposite.

An fMRI study conducted by Rutgers University in 2018 found activity in the brains of women during orgasm heightened. There was especially significant activation in the angular gyrus, an area of the brain associated with states of altered perception, or "out-of-body" experiences.

Orgasm certainly feels like an out-of-body experience because you have to relinquish control for it to occur. You can't make an autonomic reflex action happen. In fact, the more you try, the less likely you are to orgasm.

The process of questioning why you aren't getting closer to climax activates the problem-solving part of the brain, which prevents the autonomic nervous system from doing its thing. And that mental effort creates anxiety, which increases cortisol, which causes vasoconstriction, which stops blood flowing to the genitals, which effectively shuts down sexual arousal.

To allow your body to temporarily override your brain, you need to do less thinking and more feeling. Encourage your partner to slow down and explore how your body responds to stimulation. Enjoy the journey rather than hyperfixating on the destination.

You can have passionate sex without climaxing every time, and if you can give yourself permission to just enjoy sex, sensation and stimulation for its own sake, you'll get there in the end.