Sex File: Why does my libido always die after a year in a relationship?

While you are sabotaging a relationship you can probably come up with all sorts of convincing explanations for why it wasn't working, but the failure and shame that you experience afterwards suggest that you push away partners to avoid intimacy and the vulnerability that it requires. Picture: iStock

I'm a 40-year-old man in a pattern where I meet a woman, we go through the enthralling sex-all-the-time stage, then — be it several months or a year later — I feel trapped and my libido vanishes. Once the relationship ends, I'm overcome by failure and shame. Can I fix this?

I can understand why this pattern of behaviour leaves you feeling so unhappy. People addicted to the dopamine-heavy early stages of a relationship and who lose interest in partners once the pixie dust begins to wear off are often struggling with underlying attachment disorders. 

While you are sabotaging a relationship you can probably come up with all sorts of convincing explanations for why it wasn't working, but the failure and shame that you experience afterwards suggest that you push away partners to avoid intimacy and the vulnerability that it requires.

You don't say anything about your childhood, but the relationships we have with caregivers as children can disproportionately influence the relationships we form as adults. 

When you were younger your unusual relationship patterns may have been less conspicuous, but at 40, most of your friends have probably settled down and started having children and your inability to commit means you are out of step with them. 

To date, you have been using sexual relationships as self-medication, a way of feeling good about yourself without having to reveal very much or let anyone in. 

You thrive when sex delivers a steady stream of euphoria-inducing neuro-chemicals. The intensity mimics intimacy, but it is a world away from the connection that defines commitment.

It takes between six and 12 months for the enthralling, sex-all-the-time stage of a new relationship to stabilise. For most, that transition is a relief. 

Falling in love is exciting but unsustainable long-term, and after months of madness most couples are ready to transition to a more settled state. 

To go out of your way to avoid something that most other humans find so comforting and rewarding is unusual, and the only convincing explanation is that some part of you is scared of forming a deeper connection.

Therapy

That you can articulate the distress you feel when your relationships end is a good sign, and I think you probably realise that you will need professional help to change this. I would suggest that, for the next six months at least, the only relationship you should be trying to develop is the one that you have with your therapist. 

However, don't be surprised if you find yourself attempting to transfer some of your dysfunctional relationship patterns onto them. 

If you pick a female therapist the risk of you idealising her then rejecting her and abandoning the therapy is quite high. That's less likely to happen if you choose a male therapist. 

Therapy is a big commitment, but if you engage with it, it will have a transformative impact on your life. I wish you the best of luck.

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