Sex File: How do I tell him that I'm not a fan of getting it on in the shower?

In the cramped space of your typical one-metre glass cubicle there isn't much room for manoeuvre, and it's not particularly warm. Picture: iStock

My new-ish partner is very keen on sex in the shower. I went along with it at first because it turns him on so much, but while it looks good in the movies I find it wildly overrated, not to mention awkward and uncomfortable. I don't want to kill the mood, but next time he suggests it how honest should I be?

Soapy suds slathered across wet skin. Flesh pressed against flesh pressed against glass. The shower is and always has been cinematic shorthand for steamy sex, and as a result is something every sexually curious person has tried. 

The trouble is, the camera lies.

For a start, for it to be comfortable, you need a lot of silicone-based lubricant. Experienced couples keep industrial quantities of Sliquid next to the shampoo, but for most, shower sex is a "spontaneous decision" and so they approach it unprepared.

It tends to happen when relationships are relatively new and couples are learning about each other by working their way through the sexual curriculum. They'll do all the positions and all the places, and at some stage they inevitably end up in the shower. 

In the cramped space of your typical one-metre glass cubicle there isn't much room for manoeuvre, and it's not particularly warm. The average shower head has a fall of about 30cm, so one person gets the full force of the warm water while the other shivers, getting only the occasional splash. 

Still, the optics are great so you press on.

As you attempt intercourse you realise that the soapy water has washed away all your natural lubrication. It is at this point that you learn that shower sex feels like being internally sandpapered. 

Because you don't want to wimp out — after all, shower sex is brilliant, isn't it? — you bite your tongue, but you rapidly realise you are more likely to tear your vaginal wall than have an orgasm.

Shower sex is, as you say, overrated, awkward and uncomfortable, but many women don't confront that elephant in the wet room directly. Instead they find ways to avoid having sex in the shower. 

I don't believe that is the right strategy, because it allows the myth that shower sex is amazing to perpetuate, so if I were you I would be honest. If he remains keen despite your objections, insist he stocks up on lubricant — obviously, if that doesn't help, it's a no.

The alternative if you are looking for a change of scene from the bedroom is to steer him away from the bathroom and into the kitchen, which has just as much sexual potential. Food and sex are and always have been deeply intertwined. 

Taste, smell, touch and sight play roles in the enjoyment of food and physical intimacy, and aphrodisiac foods such as oysters, sashimi, strawberries, champagne and chocolate have ancient associations with sexual arousal and intimacy.

Aphrodisiac foods can be shared, squished and licked off skin, and sex is the sweetest dessert. Food sex is much more creative and far more enjoyable, although you may need a shower afterwards.

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