Sex File: Can our happy marriage survive without physical intimacy?

If you and your wife have not maintained close physical contact through cuddling, kissing and other forms of physical contact, you will almost certainly have experienced a parallel decline in a sense of connection overall. Picture: iStock

My wife and I are in our 50s, have been married for 15 years, and in many ways we have a great relationship. We have fun together and we love each other, but we haven't had sex for three years. I feel OK about that and I think she does too. I don't feel as though either of us miss it. Am I kidding myself? Does it mean that our marriage is ultimately doomed?

Age has a deleterious effect on everyone's sexual function. 

Unless sexlessness causes one or both partners distress, it is not necessarily a problem — but when you can't, or won't, talk about a big part of your relationship, it inevitably creates a psychological barrier. 

You'd have to work quite hard to ignore an elephant in your bedroom for three years. If you and your wife have not maintained close physical contact through cuddling, kissing and other forms of physical contact, you will almost certainly have experienced a parallel decline in a sense of connection overall.

Based on her age, your wife has probably just been through menopause. Declining levels of both oestrogen and testosterone can have a direct impact on women's interest in sex. 

Reduced nerve sensitivity can make it harder to achieve orgasm and thinning of the vaginal tissue can sometimes result in painful intercourse. 

When sex hurts, the easy option is to avoid it, but a low-dose vaginal oestrogen might help. Combined with a lubricant, it may enable her to enjoy sex again if physical symptoms of menopause have been a barrier.

Men don't go through menopause, but about 50% of those over 50 experience erectile dysfunction. Although male testosterone levels decline at a rate of about 1% a year from age 40 onwards, only 10-25% have clinically low testosterone. 

If you are avoiding sex because you don't feel confident about your ability to maintain an erection, talk to your GP. They can write you a prescription for Viagra or Cialis and do a simple blood test to establish whether low levels of testosterone might be impacting your libido.

Your marriage is not doomed, but it is important for you both to be honest with each other. 

Ultimately, the quality of your emotional connection is more important than the number of orgasms you have. 

In fact, when you ask people what having a great sex life feels like, it sounds like being in love. 

In 2014, US researchers surveyed 70,000 people from 24 countries to find out what differentiated people who said that they had a great sex life from those who said they didn't. 

The results showed couples who felt they had a great sex life also said "I love you" every day and meant it. They gave one another passionate kisses and compliments. They were physically affectionate. They had weekly date nights and made time for holidays together.

A 2021 study by psychologist Jasara Hogan at the University of Utah also found that couples who spend more time together talking report greater relationship satisfaction and experience greater closeness. 

We are the architects of our own relationships. We choose to talk or to withhold, to be honest or avoidant, to tackle problems or to bury them, to be vulnerable or to be defensive. 

Your strategy, which is to do nothing and say nothing, is also a choice, and like all choices, it has consequences.

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