Sex File: Why aren't we having as much sex as our 'holiday friends'?

We thought everyone was happy with one a week (or so), but are we getting it wrong?

It is fair to say that in the presence of strangers, or 'holiday' friends, most couples will only choose to reveal the positive aspects of their life. File picture

We made friends with a couple on holiday who were similar to us in all respects — mid-50s, long-term married, empty nesters — but they clearly had a much more active sex life than we do. We thought everyone was happy with once a week (or so) by the time they reached our age/stage. Are we getting it wrong?

Research consistently shows that declining sexual frequency is more strongly correlated with the duration of a relationship than the chronological age of the couple. Couples in their 40s who have been together for decades have less sex, for example, than new lovers who are in their 70s.

In fact, it might reassure you to know that statistically, after 30 years of marriage, your median sexual frequency is actually higher than that of couples who are 10 years younger than you. 

Sexual frequency data from the most recent British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles established that the monthly sexual frequency for 35- to 44-year-olds was twice a month for women and three times a month for men, and 29% had not had any sex at all in the past month.

However, whether everyone is happy with that frequency is another matter. In the study, 50.6% of women and 64.3% of men who were either married or cohabiting said that they would prefer to have more frequent sex.

You are already having more sex than couples who are 10 years younger than you, though, so if you and your husband have always been happy with that, don't compare yourselves to a couple that you met on holiday.

You have arrived at a frequency that suits you for lots of different reasons. It sustains intimacy without putting either of you under pressure. It fits in with the demands of your daily life, and you don't need to plan or to schedule, because you know that sex is an established part of your weekly routine. 

You have created something that suits you, and ultimately, when it comes to sex, the best metric isn't a number; it is how happy you both are.

The other truth that you seem to be overlooking is that no one can ever know what really happens in other people's sexual relationships. It is, however, fair to say that in the presence of strangers, or "holiday" friends, most couples will only choose to reveal the positive aspects of their life. 

They may on occasion open up about personal or familial challenges as a way of building empathy and connecting. Still, if they like you — and they want you to like them — they are probably not going to tell you about their bad habits, their bad relationship, or their bad debts.

Lots of people exaggerate how much sex they have and what they say about their sex lives, and what actually happens behind closed doors doesn't always match up. 

For others, showing off about sex can even be a turn-on. Sexual narcissists like having sex, they like talking about sex, they like being admired for their sexual prowess, and they like making people feel sexually inadequate.

The couple you met on holiday may have had genuinely rampant sexual appetites, but for all you know, the thing that they were really getting off on was the vicarious thrill of broadcasting their sexual connection to you.

You sound as though you have a strong emotional and sexual relationship, so don't doubt yourselves. If you want to have more sex, your empty nest will give you more opportunities, but you really don't have anything to prove to anyone.

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