Sex File: Will holiday sex be a let-down?

Will my girlfriend expect sex more often while we're on our first holiday together?

When two people who like each other spend quality time together on a relaxing holiday, they tend to have more sex, and their level of relationship satisfaction increases accordingly. 

My new partner and I are about to go on our first holiday together. This is my first serious relationship since my divorce and although we have great sex whenever we see each other (once or twice a week), I'm worried she's expecting more action from two full weeks away than I can keep up with. Any advice?

I suspect you are worrying about nothing. The median frequency of sex for adults under 44 is about three to four times a month, according to the British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles, so your present level is already above average. 

Although you don't say how old you are, as a divorcee it's safe to assume you are not exactly a spring chicken. If your partner is of a similar vintage, she may even be nursing the same anxieties.

I also suspect you may be worrying about the wrong thing. When you don't know someone incredibly well, sharing a hotel room with them for two weeks throws up more challenges than how often you will have sex. 

People can have wildly different bathroom habits, for example. From spending hours in the shower to using the loo with the door open, exposure to previously unknown aspects of your partner's behaviour can be quite unnerving. 

It is worth having a chat about these things before you travel so you don't end up having a row or unintentionally repulsing each other. You can do it in a light-hearted way, but addressing concerns upfront and agreeing on a few strategies to preserve the romance is always a better idea.

It is common for people to expect an increase in sexual frequency when they go on holiday. While there is not a huge amount of academic research to back up these expectations, in 2024, a study at Arizona State University tracked 102 couples and found those who travelled together and engaged in shared novel activities reported higher levels of physical intimacy and, impressively, the increase was sustained after returning home, regardless of the length of their relationship. 

By novel experiences, we're not talking paragliding or mountain climbing but fairly common holiday activities such as trying new food together, sightseeing, or going on a boat trip.

It's not exactly rocket science, is it? When two people who like each other spend quality time together on a relaxing holiday, they tend to have more sex, and their level of relationship satisfaction increases accordingly. 

It's also true the anticipation that precedes a holiday is often as exciting as the holiday itself. The research, the plans, the countless conversations about what you'll do when you finally get there all serve to heighten expectations.

Paradoxically, expectations can also set us up for disappointment. If your partner is hoping this trip will be a sex marathon and things don't turn out the way she wants them to, neither of you will feel great. 

That's why you need to be brave and discuss your concerns around sex now. Tell your partner you are worried about performance pressure and your ability to keep up. Being open with each other before you leave will temper any expectations, and then if you do end up having more sex, it will feel like a bonus. 

It will also set a precedent for honesty, which will stand your relationship in good stead.

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