Sex File: How can we have a good time in bed with adult children at home?

The fizzy madness and obsessive preoccupation of new romance is the most delicious experience in the world and while you are in this state, the last thing you need is an audience of grown-up children who feel that they have rights over both their parent and their property. Picture: iStock

I'm in a fantastic new relationship but could use some advice on having a healthy sex life when you both have twentysomethings living at home. This is my partner's first relationship since his divorce so I'm particularly conscious of his grown-up kids when staying at his and find it hard to relax - especially at night when it's quiet but I know they're not asleep - which means it's often not as enjoyable or frequent as we might like.

You and your partner have a right to autonomy but you are also right to avoid exposing your grown-up children to the full force of your sexual passion. 

When it comes to divorce, the feelings of young adults often get overlooked, but research shows that they can be just as affected by the experience as younger children. For a start, they are typically not shielded from parental conflict in the same way younger children are. 

And if they are not old enough or can't afford to live independently after the divorce, they can find themselves caught between two houses, neither of which necessarily feels like home, especially when new partners are thrown into the mix.

It is difficult, though. You and your partner are in the throes of new passion yet your domestic arrangements are compromising your sexual freedom. 

The fizzy madness and obsessive preoccupation of new romance is the most delicious experience in the world and while you are in this state, the last thing you need is an audience of grown-up children who feel that they have rights over both their parent and their property.

There are several basic steps that you can take to preserve autonomy and respect everyone's privacy. Although no one should enter anyone's room without knocking, the obvious one is to ensure that there are locks on all the bedroom doors. 

If they are not doing so already, at some point your grown-up children are likely to be having sex under the same roof and privacy will be equally important to them. Playing music in your bedroom or investing in a white noise machine can give you additional peace of mind. 

Presumably, you can also take advantage of the times when your children are staying overnight with friends, partners or their other parent.

As a short-term solution, I would strongly recommend that you get away for a while. At this point in your relationship, the two of you need to have free, riotous and relentless sex. Your children are old enough to look after themselves and they have another parent available if required, so give yourselves permission to take a break. 

A few days or weeks away will give you absolute freedom, which is exactly what you need right now. Pack for sex. Stay up all night. Sleep through breakfast.

Spending time alone together and giving yourselves the space to be 100% focused on each other will help you to create your own memories and to begin to write your shared history. You'll come back feeling sexually sated, completely relaxed and much more confident about the strength of your commitment to each other. 

That confidence will transmit to your grown-up children, who are likely to be a lot more accommodating once they begin to believe that this relationship will bring stability rather than chaos to their lives. Good luck.

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