Sex File: I'm worried about having sex for the first time after divorce 

My new partner is keen to get intimate but I'm embarrassed to say I actually haven't had sex in four years and beneath the excitement I'm completely lacking in confidence

When you really fancy someone, having sex is a little like riding a bike, and once you get going you'll find that you really don't need a manual. Picture: iStock 

I'm very nearly divorced after ending a loveless marriage and have been dating someone promising who has made it clear he's keen to get intimate. Part of me is dying to sleep with him as well, but the other part of me is embarrassed to say I actually haven't had sex in four years. Beneath the excitement I'm completely lacking in confidence, which I know isn't attractive. How do I get over my nerves?

Tell him how you feel. If the fact you are nervous puts him off, you've dodged a bullet. If it provides him with an opportunity to put his arms around you, tell you that he is crazy about you and all he wants is to make love to you, your nerves will most likely disappear — or at least be significantly reduced. 

Any man who dates a woman who is going through a divorce knows the experience will not have left her unscathed. I am also imagining you may have already told him your marriage was loveless and perhaps you have not had other partners during its slow unravelling, so he probably realises you won't have had sex for a while.

Having this conversation will do more than alleviate your anxiety. It will set a precedent for communication that will benefit your sexual relationship in all sorts of ways. People generally find it easier to have sex than to talk about it, but research consistently shows couples who can talk openly about their sex lives have more and better sex than couples who don't. 

If you take a risk now and open up to your new man, you will realise great sex is not about being assertive and getting on top; it's about emotional connection, safety and trust. When those ingredients are in place you can do anything.

Tuning into your own body will help to build your confidence before your first sexual adventure too. Start by giving your body some TLC. Bathing, moisturising, waxing, getting a spray tan (if you are into tanning) or getting some new underwear will all make you feel pampered and that bit more confident when you get undressed.

When you really fancy someone, having sex is a little like riding a bike, and once you get going you'll find that you really don't need a manual. Rather than something you are (or aren't) "good" at, it is an intuitive choreography between two people who basically want to get under each other's skin: the physical form of the verbal communication that you will have instigated before you had sex. 

It requires you to give and take pleasure in the same way you shared your feelings and listened to your partner's stories in those foundational sexual conversations.

There are no rules essentially — but I would advise trying to take it slow. You may want to rush to the main event, but taking your time and slowing everything down will ensure you are fully aroused by the time intercourse happens, which will maximise the chance of you having an orgasm. 

The moment that happens, you'll forget any thoughts of your four-year drought and be able to simply enjoy your new relationship.

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