Sex File: It feels like my boyfriend is checking off a list from the Kama Sutra

"I don't know how long you have been with your new boyfriend, but it seems that you have been following his lead for a bit too long. Your relationship has remained stuck in first gear."

My new boyfriend wants to try a different position almost every time we have sex. Sometimes it feels as though he's checking off a list from the Kama Sutra. I'm all for some adventure, but can't we get used to something before moving on to the next one on his to-do list?

At the beginning of a new relationship it is common for couples to experiment with different positions. It is a part of the process of getting to know each other sexually. You need to find out how you fit together and that means experimentation.

However, at a certain point most couples find a couple of positions that they like best and stick to them. They might change the choreography, or the intensity, but when two people know each other intimately, there is a consistency to the way that they make love.

Their movements have their own rhythm and they tend to execute specific activities in a particular order because they know certain sequences optimise sexual pleasure and maximise the chance of them both achieving orgasm.

I don't know how long you have been with your new boyfriend, but it seems that you have been following his lead for a bit too long. Your relationship has remained stuck in first gear.

I think the most likely explanation for his behaviour is that he is very sexually inexperienced. He thinks that pushing for gymnastic sex makes him appear like a skilled lover when in fact it does precisely the opposite. It would be worth finding out where he has been learning his moves. 

If it's porn, which is the case for many young men, I'm afraid that to move things in the right direction you may need to educate him on the difference between fantasy and reality, and make it clear to him that you are interested in developing an authentic sexual connection, not getting through a tickbox exercise of sexual positions.

Your real challenge is finding a way to communicate your need for consistency without making it sound like criticism of his sexual performance and the best way to do this is to make it about you rather than about him. Tell him that changing position all the time distracts you and makes it harder for you to find your groove. 

Being able to focus on physical sensations as they are being experienced is a key component of female arousal and orgasm and that's pretty difficult to do if you're constantly moving around. Why not suggest that you get really comfortable with one or two positions, to maximise the chances of pleasure for both of you. 

Then you can try to extend your repertoire a bit further. Start with the missionary position. It is the ultimate staple but the gynaecologist Kimberley Lovie has found that sex in the missionary position, with a pillow underneath your hips to maximise clitoral stimulation, is the position that is most likely to lead to orgasm through penetration. Take it slowly and both of you should focus on your pleasure rather than his.

I guarantee that if he makes you climax in this position, where he has a bird's eye view of your facial expressions, he will suddenly understand that good sex is about what you feel, not what you do.

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