Sex File: Can a 'quickie' be romantic?

Mon, 04 Apr, 2022 - 06:09

Suzi Godson

Find that a "quickie" helps me to sleep better. My husband, of course, is delighted about my new insomnia cure (we are in our early 50s). The trouble is, great though it is to have sex more often and to get a good night's sleep, it doesn't feel very romantic. Is this a bad precedent to set?

It's not a bad precedent to set at all - it's a great one. Lots of us struggle with sleep, and your approach is clearly effective. We all know that sex helps us to sleep, and there is lots of scientific evidence to back you up. In 2019 Dr Michele Lastella, a sleep researcher at the Appleton Institute for Behavioural Science at CQUniversity Adelaide, carried out the first study to explore the relationship between sexual activities, sleep quality and sleep latency (the amount of time it takes you to go from being fully awake to sleeping) in the general adult population.

He found that when both partners had an orgasm most felt that their sleep quality improved, and they found it easier to fall asleep. Masturbating to orgasm was almost as effective, with just over half saying their sleep quality improved. Orgasm increases the level of the hormone oxytocin and that, in turn, leads to a reduction in the level of cortisol, the stress hormone, improving sleep quality. The hormone prolactin, associated with quality of orgasm and sexual satisfaction, increases after orgasm, and markedly so after an orgasm achieved through sexual intercourse.

Sleep disturbances are common during the perimenopause, menopause and postmenopause, and sleeping pills don't always work. Of course, when you are lying awake staring at the ceiling at 3am the temptation to pop a pill is huge, but research published in the BMJ in 2020 found no difference in sleep quality or duration of sleep between women who took sleeping pills for one to two years compared with women who didn't.

Your nightly trysts are a much healthier and more effective way to get to sleep. Regular sex protects sexual function and this is particularly important in midlife, when it really is a case of "if you don't use it, you lose it". Having quickies benefits your husband too. For example, there is strong evidence that regular orgasms have a very positive impact on male heart health. A ten-year analysis of 918 men aged 45-59 found that having sex three or more times a week was associated with a 50% reduction in the risk of heart attack or stroke.

But why are you only allowing yourself quickies? There is no right duration for sex but, as a benchmark, a stopwatch study of 500 couples, which was conducted by Marcel Waldinger at Utrecht University, found that the shortest duration for intercourse was 55 seconds, the median was 5.4 minutes and the longest was 44 minutes.

When it comes to sex, the more you have the more you actually want, but make sure sex doesn't become too utilitarian by also making time for longer sessions where you ensure that the focus is on intimacy not orgasm. Weekends are obviously the easiest time to do this but during the week, going to bed half an hour earlier will give you some extra time to luxuriate in more indulgent sex sessions. Alternatively, set the alarm a little earlier in the morning and have some sleepy sex as the sun comes up. Mix up your timings a little more, and I'd say that you and your husband have really hit the sweet spot.