Sex File: My flatmates get in the way of our love life 

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My girlfriend and I share a flat with two other couples. We both feel self-conscious about having sex when they're in the house. Even though we're going back to the office, everyone is still at home quite a lot, and our love life is really suffering.

The capacity to be aware of other people's feelings is an important quality. It's what makes you a considerate partner and a good flatmate. However, you could be worrying more than you need to. Research shows that we all routinely overestimate how much other people notice us - a phenomenon that psychologists call 'the spotlight effect' - and this feeling is exacerbated when we are doing something atypical, such as having sex in a place that doesn't offer us as much privacy as we would like. 

You are feeling anxious and self-conscious about disturbing your friends or being on show by having sex while they are in the house. The truth is, your flatmates are probably much more concerned about their own lives than yours. But if you're going to be more comfortable making less noise, there are ways to minimise it.

A lot of bedroom noise comes from furniture rather than people. I'd highly recommend a duvet and pillows on the floor, which makes a soundproof - and cosy - nest. If either of you is vocal during sex, try positions such as spoons that allow you to direct sound into the pillow. Having sex in the shower is also a good option because the sound of running water masks the noise, but that is probably viable only if you have an en suite bathroom.

Playing music is very effective and if you have a TV in your bedroom, you could try putting on a film. I know some people who use white noise machines as a relatively inexpensive and effective way of disguising sound. The other option is, of course, to sometimes lean in to silent sex, which many find highly erotic. Silent sex can help to keep you in the moment and heighten your senses. In silence, it's possible to intensify sexual charge. You create more space for non-verbal communication, which is, of course, the sine qua non of intimacy.

Since you live with two other couples, they are likely to be in exactly the same position. We've all been working from home on and off for two years now, so if your flatmates did happen to overhear you making love, I would hope they are not going to judge you at this point. And what could they possibly be judging you for - apart from being a couple that has sex? Is that so bad? Since you are all in the same boat, why not work out a system to give each other more privacy. When I was a student my flatmate and I used to hang a 'Do not disturb' sign on our door when we had a man staying. It was kind of a joke, but it ensured that neither of us burst in on each other unannounced.

If you are feeling like this, the chances are that your flatmates are too. Perhaps if you spend the odd afternoon or evening out so that they get to have some peace and quiet in the flat, they will hopefully take the hint, reciprocate and give you a bit of space every so often as well.

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