Sex File: She needs to read erotica to get in the mood before sex

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My girlfriend finds it quite difficult to become aroused, but has found that reading erotic fiction to get her in the mood before we have sex works well. Part of me doesn't mind, but the fact that she relies on it to get hot makes me feel like I'm not a great boyfriend.

I can see why your girlfriend's interest in erotica might trouble you. After all she'd probably take issue if you used porn to get aroused. However, there is a big difference between the two genres. While both are designed to be sexually stimulating, in porn there is no story and no foreplay. It's all about the sex. In erotica the reader has to work a lot harder to get to the sex. In erotica there is emotional investment as well as flirting, erotic tension and pursuit. The romantic journey counts as part of the foreplay and the ultimate climax is as emotional as it is sexual.

While it is never a good idea to become completely reliant on a single external factor to trigger sexual arousal, it might not be in your best interests to discourage this behaviour. Numerous studies have demonstrated that women who enjoy sexual fantasy have a higher sex drive, and erotica is your girlfriend's way of tapping into her sexual self. Erotic fiction is actually considered to be such an effective way to boost female libido that many sex therapists recommend it. The merits of erotica for boosting female arousal were shown in 2016 when Meenakshi Palaniappan at the University of Florida conducted a study that explored "bibliotherapy interventions for female low sexual desire". 

One group of female participants was asked to read a self-help book called A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex (Adams, 2009). The other was asked to read Passion: Erotic Romance for Women (Cleis Press, 2010), a collection of fictional erotic short stories. Both groups experienced significant improvement in sexual satisfaction, but the effect was raised in the erotic fiction group.

Although you'd probably prefer it if your girlfriend didn't need them at all, the solution for you may be to get involved too. Have you ever tried reading her erotic novels to her? 

Instead of feeling threatened by them, why not ask her to share some stories that she is particularly fond of? No matter how silly you feel, try to immerse yourself in the narrative and then see how it feels to read aloud to her. If you can suspend cynicism, you may find that as well as boosting her arousal it boosts yours too. Alternatively, you could try bringing her favourite stories to life somehow. Roleplay doesn't have to be serious, but it is a great way to let go of stuff that holds you back. Planning the experience, setting the scene, finding the right props and dressing appropriately means you spend much more time building erotic tension and that, ultimately, is what your girlfriend is getting from her books.

During research for their book A Billion Wicked Thoughts: What the Internet Tells Us About Sexual Relationships (New American Library), neuroscientists Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam analysed the text of more than 10,000 romance novels, all available online, to determine the most common descriptions of the 'romantic hero'. They established that the ten most popular vocations for this character are doctor, cowboy, boss, prince, rancher, knight, surgeon, king, bodyguard and sheriff. Since the narrative arc of every saucy novel is a tried and tested formula, choose your role and get on with it.

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