Lighten Up: Katy Perry kissed my Massey and she liked it
Our auld Lehane reckons he teach Katy a thing or two about farming in space, in this week's Lighten Up. Picture: Timothy A. Clary / AFP via Getty Images
Astronaut Katy Perry was on the farm during the week
She kissed the ground, she kissed a half-eaten round bale, she kissed my Massey.
"I kissed your Massey and I liked it," she yodelled.
"Well, I'm glad somebody likes it." I retorted, half hoping she might like to buy the old wreck.
Katy was on the farm on a mission; she was here to find farmers.
After her experiences up in space, she wants to return.
But this time with farmers, because she means business.
Katy saw a lot from her rocket window. She saw how our solar system was in dire need of land reclamation.
"I looked at the moon and the stars, I studied Uranus for a long time," she said.
"You wouldn't be the first,” I quipped.
Anyhow, when she came back, she approached Jeff to see what he knew about mountain ploughing and disc harrows.
But sure, she may as well have been talking to a crow, for the only thing Bezos knows about is cardboard and boxes.
And then, sure enough, the name of 'Auld Lehane' was mentioned, and so, in a flash, she left the billionaire to come to Kilmichael.
"I'm looking for advice on picking stones and draining bogs on faraway planets," Katy Perry said. “I'm looking for first-rate farmers."
"Well, you've come into the right yard,” I assured her, as I fastened an old gate shut with some twine.
"You'll have to work fast, though,” I said. “With silage season closing in, manpower will soon be very scarce on the ground.".
But Katy was far from idle. She had already purchased two transport boxes and an old tractor off Done Deal. She also had a chainsaw ordered from the Tool Hire in Macroom.
I was impressed. Space would soon be looking very dapper. The queen of pop meant business
"And what will you grow up in space?" I asked the newly crowned astronaut.
"Oh trees mostly,” she replied.
"For crying out loud!" I yelled."Stay away from trees!"
Minister Healy-Rae has enough on his plate already with fallen trees up the west, without worrying about the forests of Mars.
"Look at cattle," I stressed, trying to steer her in the right direction. "You can't go wrong with sucklers. Sucklers in space would be the sensible option. The prices are out of this world already" I advised.
"I feel super connected with love," Katy Perry said after her space trip.
"Well, you will need to be super connected with money to purchase sucklers,” I said.
Thrilled that I was helping her, Katy then kissed an old broken pallet and an empty oil drum
"I'll check out Marteye later for suckler stock,” she added, once all her smooching was over.
"Good woman," I replied, "You will soon be on the pig's back.
And with that, I inquired about a herd number.
It was here that Miss Perry fell flat.
"I'm still working on a herd number," she said. "I hope to have one soon."
"Well then,” I roared. "You are delusional!
"For you can't farm without a herd number, no matter where in the galaxy you may be."
But alas, for most, obtaining a herd number is almost as difficult as getting to the moon and back.
So, seeing that she was struggling in this department, I promised that I would make a few calls. "Auld Lehane,” says I, "Has contacts in the strangest of places."
And so my visiting astronaut left the farm happy, happy in the knowledge that her trip here hadn't been in vain, unlike her recent frivolous trip to space.
