Bernard O'Shea — The Dad Bod Diaries: Five things your wee is trying to tell you

We shouldn't be squeamish about urine, because often it is trying to send us a report on our health

The general rule on urine colour is simple. Your wee should not resemble something served in a nightclub.

A few weeks ago, I noticed something alarming. My wee smelled terrible. Not “I ate asparagus” terrible. Properly terrible.

Most people would probably keep that information to themselves. But one of the few advantages of being a middle-aged comedian is that embarrassment gradually leaves the building. 

Somewhere between discussing cholesterol and comparing knee pain with friends, dignity becomes optional.

Which got me wondering: why are we so squeamish about urine?

We happily discuss sleep, calories, stress levels, and bowel habits, yet mention wee and suddenly everyone turns into a giggling teenager. The strange thing is that urine is one of the simplest health reports our body produces. 

Every day, it gives us information about hydration, diet, and overall health, and most of us flush the evidence away without a second thought.

So, in the interests of public service, here are five things worth paying attention to the next time nature calls.

1. Colour matters

The easiest thing to notice is colour.

In an ideal world, urine should be pale yellow or straw coloured. That’s usually a sign that you’re properly hydrated, and everything is ticking along nicely.

If it’s dark yellow, your body is often telling you to drink more fluids. I have a bad habit of convincing myself that coffee counts as water. It doesn’t. By mid-afternoon, I’m often running on caffeine and blind optimism.

Certain vitamins can also affect colour. Anyone who’s taken a multi-vitamin then produced urine the colour of a fluorescent marker knows exactly what I’m talking about.

There are colours, however, that shouldn’t be ignored. Red, pink or brown urine can sometimes be caused by food such as beetroot, but it can also indicate blood and should always be checked out. 

The general rule is simple. Your wee should not resemble something served in a nightclub.

2. The smell test

This was the category that started my investigation. Most urine has a mild smell. It shouldn’t really announce its arrival before you do.

One of the most common causes of strong-smelling urine is dehydration. When you’re not drinking enough fluids, everything becomes more concentrated. This is what happened to me.

Certain foods can also have dramatic effects. Asparagus is the undisputed champion here, but coffee, garlic, and some supplements can all leave their calling cards behind.

A sweet smell can sometimes be associated with elevated blood sugar levels. A strong, unpleasant smell combined with burning, discomfort or fever may suggest an infection.

The important thing is not to panic over a single episode. Unlike myself.

3. How often are you going?

One of the less glamorous realities of getting older is that toilet frequency becomes a genuine topic of conversation. 

As a younger man, I could sit through a three-hour film without moving. These days, I find myself mentally noting the location of every loo before I sit down.

How often you urinate depends on lots of things. The amount you drink matters. So does caffeine. A couple of large coffees can quickly turn you into a part-time bathroom attendant. What matters most is a sudden change.

Needing to urinate far more frequently than normal can sometimes indicate an infection. In men, it can occasionally point towards prostate issues. Increased urination can also be associated with diabetes. 

That doesn’t mean every extra trip to the toilet is cause for alarm.

What doctors are usually interested in is a noticeable and persistent change from your normal pattern.

4. Pain is never normal

Urinating should not hurt. There should be no burning, stinging, discomfort or sense of effort involved. It’s one of those bodily functions that should happen quietly in the background without attracting attention. 

Unfortunately, men in particular have a considerable ability to pretend things are fine when they clearly aren’t. 

Pain when urinating can be linked to infections, kidney stones or other urinary tract problems. 

Difficulty passing urine can sometimes point towards prostate-related issues.

The specific cause isn’t the point. The point is that pain is information. Your body doesn’t create pain for entertainment purposes.

5. Take a quick look

Nobody is suggesting you spend several minutes studying the toilet bowl like a detective at a crime scene. A quick glance, however, can be useful. 

Cloudy urine can be linked to dehydration or infection. Persistent foaminess may indicate excess protein in the urine. Visible particles or sediment can also be worth noting if they keep appearing.

The keyword is persistent. One unusual appearance means very little. Repeated changes over days or weeks are far more significant.

The older I get, the more persuaded I become that health isn’t usually about dramatic warning signs. More often, it’s about noticing small changes before they become bigger problems.

We (let’s be honest here, “I”) tend to imagine illness arriving with flashing lights and sirens. In reality, the body often whispers before it shouts.

Urine is one of the easiest ways to hear those whispers. It’s free, it’s available every day. We may never be comfortable discussing it over dinner. But maybe we shouldn’t be quite so quick to dismiss it either.

Your body is sending you a daily report. It might be worth reading it before you flush it down the toilet.