Dear Dáithí: Is it terrible if I refuse to go my own hen? 

My friends were horrified when I told them that I didn’t want a hen party in the run up to the wedding...now I think they are planning a surprise party 

The fact that your friends are ‘horrified’ that you’re not having a hen says a lot about them, and they would really need to get over themselves, says Dáithí. 

Dear Dáithí,

I’m getting married in July and we’re firmly in the throes of getting everything organised for the day.

We’re having a fairly modest wedding as we’re trying to keep costs low. We’re planning to splurge on travelling later this year instead, and I honestly cannot wait!

My friends were horrified when I told them that I didn’t want a hen party in the run-up to the wedding. Because we’re being careful with money, they assumed it was a finances thing, but it’s not. It just doesn’t appeal to me. More than one friend has told me I’d regret not having a night out with the girls before we tie the knot.

Our weekends are fairly booked up in the run-up to the day between meetings with suppliers and some family events. There is one ‘birthday’ celebration for one of my friends too in the lead-up, but I recently got wind that this might actually be a surprise hen.

The whole thing feels exceptionally awkward. I’ve told my friends how I feel, but I think that they think I’m just saying it so they don’t go to any trouble.
A part of me thinks the easiest way to avoid this is to say I have plans that weekend and can’t go. But then there’s also the possibility that this might not be a surprise hen, and it really is a birthday celebration — in which case I’d feel terrible if I didn’t go.

What do I do? Is it terrible if I say I have plans for that weekend?

WHY can’t people just leave you alone and just listen to you! 

This is a common problem because, for some reason, these days people simply don’t listen; they think their point of view is gospel and that is it.

Well, this is equally as simple; this is your wedding, your day and your occasion, and you should do as you please.

Well done, by the way, on having a modest wedding; I know there is always pressure and a temptation to have a big day.

The thing about those days is that they are gone the following day, and so is a lot of your money. I can totally see the logic in trying to keep the costs low, and when you do that, you end up doing a lot of the groundwork yourself, which takes time and effort.

You do have plans for all the money you will save on having a modest day out, and you will enjoy it a lot more when you are travelling around the world after what is turning out to be a stressful time, not caused by you, might I say.

You’re really looking forward to this, and so you should be; it’s going to be great. I wish more people saw that this is the way to do it. People think it’s all about the day, when really, it’s all about the two people getting married.

Time now to get to your real dilemma and back to what I started with: Your friends not listening to you. The fact that your friends are ‘horrified’ that you’re not having a hen says a lot about them, and they would really need to get over themselves.

This is about you and not them, and if you don’t want to have one, that’s it. It’s not a money thing either with you, even though they think they know better; you just don’t want one.

You really have explained yourself and said what you want or don’t want, but they just think otherwise. 

Sorry, but these types of people drive me cracked. I can feel your frustration. They are even laying it on thick, saying that you will regret not having one! 

So what do we do? It’s now the start of June, and I’d imagine you want to start enjoying all of this, so you have to knock this on the head now.

Go to your closest friend and ask straight out if the birthday party is a surprise. She or he will tell you the truth. Explain to this person again that you don’t want a hen party, and all of this is just stressing you out and actually taking some of the good out of the build-up to the big day.

This is a good strong marker to lay down; it’s not rude or anything like that. It is just the way it is, and that’s all.

If it is a surprise party, you now need to decide what to do: Go along with it or tell the friend to knock it on the head. Only you can answer that one. All I’ll say is, don’t do anything that will make you feel uncomfortable.

Like, for God’s sake, they are your friends, and they should understand that it’s not the biggest deal in the world to understand what a friend is asking for. You could also ask your fiancé to find out for you. Get him to ask his buddies because if there is something on, they will know the story.

This should be the most exciting time of your life, and it sounds like you’re busy anyway with weekends running up to the big day. You just don’t want any surprises, and we all get why.

Focus and put your energy now into the day itself and into the travelling that will follow.

And, of course, focus on the great new life you’re going to have with your husband. Before long, the hen party saga will be a distant memory.

I have just one question. Is there a stag happening, and I wonder if there would be the same big deal about it if it weren’t?

I know a lad who didn’t want a stag, and the lads went on one without him, and they had a great time.